It has been awhile since I posted. I apologize for the silence - I guess there are times when what a person has to say - they say only to themselves ( Of course there are times when what they choose to say should probably have been left to themselves as well).
In my silence I have experienced a myriad of adventures/misadventures and other rather indescribable events. I have spent a good deal of time grappling with just who it is that I have become - and who it is that I want to be. Much of this introspection was not at all palatable - while some was surprisingly pleasant.
Coming to grips with yourself is rather like wrestling with a massive grizzly bear while attempting perform this task in toe shoes and a strapless gown that a size or two too big. No matter what you do you are painfully aware that each movement could cause you to either embarass yourself dreadfully with a public clothing disaster (think on the lines of cliche schoolroom nightmares); break an ankle or get your neck chewed in two. Not many good options on that list. However, if you do manage to finesse this tango there is the distinct possibility that you will have learned the fine art of ballet, developed a deep and meaningful relationship with a wild creature that you otherwise would never have dreamt possible, and perhaps created an opportunity to take a fabulous gown in for sizing at the end of the day. All of which seem to be reasonably valuable outccomes - especially if it means that the person in front of you in the mirror is no longer a stranger - but someone you know, like, and yes, most importantly respect.
While I can easily state that I have the respect part down and am fairly comfortable with the like (on most days) - the knowing part is harder. I suspect that may be true for almost all of us. Perhaps that is the root of the existential dilema. Each of us may like and respect the person that we believe ourselves to be, but frankly, we may not actually know who the hell we are. Predominantly because we derive a great deal of our definition based on how we interact with others and how they define us through these interactions.
Irregardless of our personal attempts to ensure that we are defined by the actions we take, it is the reaction of others to these actions that somehow end up as the milestones upon which we take the measure of ourselves.
I must admit that I am not very good at picking up on these clues. Often I simply move - forward, to the left or to the right - perhaps even back a step or two and then proceed on, based on my moral compass and what I believe is the best action I can take given the cause and effect that action may have on those I care about and the world around me as a whole. Given this, I tend to come round every once in awhile to moments where I question - just who and what does that make me ? How am I perceived? Am I the person I think I am? Do I deliever a different message in the things I say and do that I think is occuring? After all - reality is what You percieve it to be - therefore it is different for Everyone.
In the time that I have been absent from the blog - I have wrestled with this quite a bit. And I think at this juncture I have determined to trade in the ballet shoes for some comfortable gym shoes, the over-sized evening gown for jeans and a comfortable long-sleeved sweater (it is bitterly cold where I am) and to talk with my Grizzly Bear over a nice cup of cocoa. Life is just too short to spend it muddling over perception. Yes it is important to understand how you are percieved - but it is not the primary driver. Your own inner moral compass must remain the primary driver in deciding what you will and will not do. If you waiver from this, I believe you end up weakening your inner-self and eventually will not have the courage to face your reflection because you will no longer be able to find yourself in the mirror - only a prismatic view of who you might have been - as you fractionalize who you are by bending to fit the image of the people in your life for whom you strive to be different.
Don't get me wrong - I love rainbows - and I would truly love to find out what is at the end of one -
Though I think I may already have a pretty good idea - The end of the rainbow is just you or me - whole and complete - and accepting of who we are.
Ready to go find Toto? I am................
