Travel Fever

I am back from the whilrwind tour of the nation.  I did enjoy it.  Harsh as the run might have been - I must admit the sheer wonder of the vast changes in culture from one stop to the next really kept me going.

That and I did catch some fantastic music along the way.  If you get a chance to catch the band Haim - go - totally worth the effort.  It was certainly worth the hike in the excessive Austin heat - to battle our way through the crowds (to get the beer of course) - and make our way to the stage to catch this group.  They totally have it on.  Massively awesome - Amazing rhythm - voices that melt - and guitars - The bass player has got it going -

Follow this with Delta Rae - they are some major Southern Rock - very good

We wrapped the night with The Cure - light show hurt a few times - but still awesome.  Unfortunately, Lionel Ritchie was rained out so we were not able to transcend yet another decade - but we certainly tried. 

And while in Austin - the food is fantastic - I don't usually like chain's - but this one has a great name - and great food too- so if you are there check it out Chuy's (like chewy) - very very good Tex-Mex

Just prior to the music extravaganza was the romp through New Orleans - Music - well - that is pretty much 24/7 and on every corner - pick a style- its just waiting for you to wander in.  Had dinner at a classic "Rat Pack" style restaurant- complete with musical ambieance - - but flavored with the zest of New Orleans cuisine - really - can you get better than that? OMG - so GOOD..............

Now home again - in cow country - where it is dark before dinner and not even November yet -

So much to do and of course so few daylight hours to work with -

Well - at least the wasps are chilled enough to sleep -

Guess I should figure out what the next path is  - perhaps it is one not yet taken? -

Here's to the fork in the road - may it be shiny and tall enough that the tines don't prick your toes.

Rock Steady

EM

On Tilting..........

Been awhile since I have tagged a line here - I have been spending my time -

Let's say otherwise engaged.

We have been busy down on the farm - Cow Country a blaze with activity.  What with burning the midnight oil to wrap our busy season - and then packing the entire team to move two floors upward - its been a harsh run.  Of course - there are those of us who ended up in the few offices that are awaiting the carpet man.  Which means we rushed through the packing - so we can remain packed -

But in my case that has been a good thing- as I am office sharing with a nest of wasps - so keeping things in the crates is probably a good thing - at least until they can convince my office mates that they would prefer to relocate.  I really pray they will relocate.

I hope that the rest of the world has been more profitably engaged - that you are spending the final days of Indian Summer enjoying the soft heat and blaze of color that evening brings to your tables. 

I am taking a deep breath and preparing for another run, another tilt at the windmill.  I fear perhaps my noble steed is groing tired of the charge.  I may well end up carrying the weight of this charge without the benefit of such support -  And that makes me wonder if perhaps it is time to consider the wisdom of continuing this Don Quixote-like existence.  In fact, if I take a closer look - it may well be that the windmill is trapped within the Black Knight pinball machine- and that I have gone from tilting to tilted in this game.

Yes I believe it is time to "Think it out again." 

In the meantime - I continue to trade windows with my wasps - wondering what in the world they are doing FIVE stories up?  I clearly do not understand the Way of the Wasp World -

And for some reason that thought leaaves  me smiling.................

We go round in circles................

Catch you on the flipside

Off to check the mail box!

Waiting.  I suppose I have never really been very good at this art. 

There was of course a time when some waiting was wonderful. Though I can pretty much say I have grown out of this phase of enjoying the concept, as a child, I can remember there were times when waiting was rather tantalizing.  I can almost feel the trill of excitement, the goose pimpling running up my arms as I waited in anticipation of whatever it was that had me on my toes in expectation.  Perhaps it was waiting for my Dad to come home when we had something planned, like building the club house.  I don't think we ever finished that project, but I do remember having a lot of fun working on it.  Or perhaps it was waiting for Mom to come home after we had just finished reading something for one of her classes and I knew she would need to start something new.  She always had the best things to read and if I wasn't a total pain she read them to me before bed. There was any number of things that could set one to waiting with breathless anticipation when I was a child. 

And of course there was the waiting that was incredibly tedious.  The waiting for summer to finally end so I could get back to school.  I know most of you will never admit this, but its true, that last couple of weeks was harsh.  I was simply re-hashing what I had been doing all summer.  I was straining at the bit to get back to school and see everyone that I had not seen  during the break.  Sure, summer was fun, but after awhile the long days all became the same and what I looked forward to was the change to the rhythm of fall and of school. I was definitely not good at waiting for this. It took forever for those days to pass.  Waiting in line for anything that I did not want to come to pass, like doctor's or dental visits those times were also difficult.  I am pretty sure just about everyone is a wiggler when it comes to these.

Funny, but now I find it much easier to sit patiently in the waiting room for the doctor or the dentist than I do for just about anything else in my life.  I guess we have gotten very used to a world where information comes to us at hyper speed, so waiting for someone to drop you a line, send you a quick hello or even to get something in the mail, seems like torture.  It is almost painful to open the email account and not find the message there.  And worse yet is the temptation to open the account repeatedly throughout the day - after all - email is practically instant - so I could have only just missed the missive I am waiting for - and then I would have been waiting for no reason.  Of course opening up the box to find the item having not arrived is even more disappointing the second, third, fourth and so on time around. 

I have discovered that I am truly not good at waiting.  I get rather pissy about it in fact.  It takes all of my will to not send off messages to those with whom I think I am corresponding and ask when I can expect them to GET WITH THE PROGRAM.  But I do manage, as some how I understand that it is my impatience and my issue, not theirs.  They are not trying to keep me waiting, they just have things to tend to, and I will be dealt with in good time.  So I push it down and try to put my doctor's office calm in place.  After all if I have learned that fidgeting there will only rumple the magazine, then I should be able to control my irrational bursts of feeling neglected by the mail gods when the communications I seek are neither electronically delivered nor revealed through the U. S. Postal Service.

So if you are at all like I am, and over accustomed to the idea of instant communication gratification, and occasionally beset by disgruntlement with those who are not instantly providing such gratificiation, take heart - You are not alone and take heed - Patience is indeed a virtue that not only patients should practice..........

Just thinking out loud .................. and hoping to find the humor in it..........

Off to check the mail box!

Sing it With Me

When you close your eyes do you see - rows of numbers -  like corn growing for miles along stretches of Illinois roads? Or do you see serene lakes with the shimmer of the sun setting, casting a soft golden glow on the rippling waters?

Can you shift from one vision to the next when your mind is vexed from too much time with tables of figures and indexes that have become a jumble?

I am finding as the days get longer and the lists of numbers appear to get longer and more complex that they flow inward - requiring that I focus to clear my mind and find that inner space of calm and serenity.

It is difficult to make quality personal decisions when caught up in the pace of the world.  Hard to choose well about diet, exercise or sleep.  Hard to open yourself to dialogue that is not centered on keeping up with the demands on your time.  The hour glass seems to spin faster, as if the grains that mark the flow of time have gotten finer and can slip more quickly through making minutes seconds and hours minutes.  Time  that is such a precious commodity is lost and as we all know  - we cannot get it back.

Yet even knowing this, I find myself driving harder, and closing off more in an effort to accomplish the magical feat of getting the job done.  Turning more and more inward, and finding less and less to  turn to as the numbers begin to fill up the space.

And today I just had to ask - what do I see when I close my eyes? And could I control that image anymore?  I don't want to be that person who has no vision beyond the slim tunnel of my job.  yet in this time and place I feel as if that I am becoming just that.  A very limited human.  And not much being in that life at all.

So I think, that workload or not , I needed to take the time out to express a bit of what I see and feel - and perhaps uncap what I am holding in - To free my vision again - and make myself open to more than just the numbers I am drowning in.

I hope that for those of you who live on the accelerated path of professional life - you will recognize the danger of which I write.  And that you will also take a moment to breathe.  To slow down - even if it is only long enough to recognize what you are doing.  It may be enough to help you find your way back to yourself - Well at least after busy season..........

To all the work-a-holics that I have known before.........Time to come out from behind that door.....

Sing it with me now................

Road Trip Deceptions

I have spent so much time alone in the last couple of days.  It is amazing how little I note the time that I spend by myself.  Yet truth be told, I spend quite a bit on my own.  With the boys grown, they come and go - birds on the wing so to speak.  I can never really know for certain when they will light upon the doorstep and stay for a few hours, days or minutes.  I travel quite often, and in this, I am never quite alone, and yet am almost always alone.  I do not frequently travel directly with anyone.  Though I usually meet quite a few people along the way.  That is, perhaps, one of the most enjoyable aspects of traveling.  Yet I am in truth alone.  Responsible always for myself.  Contained entirely, neatly within my personal package.

I drove yesterday - from noon to after midnight, listening to a book on CD, watching the mountains turn to cities, than to farm fields and then to small rural towns and back finally to cities again.  I found the silence in my head very soothing.  Typically there is a lot of chatter going on upstairs.  The narrator took up the space, leaving my thoughts no room to interrupt.  It was extremely pleasant.  If you ever need a vacation from yourself, I highly recommend this therapy.  You will be tired, but you will not be stressed at the end of the drive.  Your mind is just emptied of everything but the story.  Though I should note that is very important to A) pick a good author and B) make sure the narrator has a voice you can listen to for 12-14 hours.

In any event, my drive was fairly uneventful.  I noted that there are quite a lot of white and off-white or silver cars on the road now.  That many of the newer cars are in bright colors.  That truckers still drive as if they are the only vehicles on the road for the most part.  And that it is a pain to drive in the rain through construction - which of course is everywhere this time of year.  But other than this what I noted most, is that I felt sort of calm and numb.  The emptiness was very soothing. 

As I pulled into the driveway I sort of felt a bit of regret.  The book was not yet over, but my drive was.  I felt as if the trip should have continued until the book wrapped up.  That somehow it should have timed itself for my delivery home - like a well made movie - delivering me to my doorstep for the final shot.  Instead, I drove to work today in the melancholy afterglow of the book as it continued, reminding me that there was a road out there somewhere that would lead me away from the mountain of work that waited for me and the hours upon hours I would spend at my desk for the next several weeks.

I have another CD to go before the book is over - so I will be continously reminded of the open space and the hum of the engine and the sweet release of nothing more than road in front of me until the book comes to its conclusion.  I thought perhaps I should let it go.  But then, I always finish a book once I have started it.  And of course - being tantalized each morning and each night is not such a bad thing afterall - it can remind me that there is a light at the end of busy season -

And there is - as I will be taking the same drive fairly soon after the buttons are pressed. - Odd the way the world works - wrapping itself back around? 

My what wonderful webs we weave - when it is ourselves we choose to decieve..............

Its a long way from here to there and longer to get back again

So a funny thing happened the other day. 

I was peacefully minding my own business, just enjoying the view from the balcony of the hotel room I had just checked into.  It was really quite lovely, a small lake (man made obviously as it had a couple of rather beautifully lit fountains springing up in random colors), surrounded by the golf course that ringed its edges and highlighted by the husky depths of shade that the moonlight cast upon the water.  I must say that I really enjoyed the view.  I probably would still have fond memories of that view had I not turned around to discover that I was locked out on the balcony with nothing but my empty bottle of beer.

I can only assume that you have canoodled my conumdrum given that I have mentioned that I was enjoying the view from my balcony.  It is not like I was locked out on a patio.  I was indeed locked out on a small space suspended many (many) feet in the air, below which was indeed patio graced rooms and the lawn which had moments ago been such a nice feature - what with the walking path that ran through it so conveniently located just beneath my window - within a stone's drop.

As my phone was sitting with everything else on the desk in the room, I had very few options.  As I saw them I had specifically three.

One, I could stand out there and wait until someone came down the path and wave and scream until I got their attention and hope that they would fetch security to rescue me.  I could also hope that this would not prove to be anyone I knew, as the purpose of my visit to this establishment was grounded in visiting with quite a lot of folk that I did indeed know, this did not seem likely.  Further, I had retired rather early for my group, so I anticipated I would be out there quite some time, beer-less.  Not good.

Two, I could try to sleep in one of the un-padded iron chairs on the balcony with the mosquitos enjoying their late night snack (me) and hope that in the morning I could catch a staff person making some sort of rounds and that I would be rescured in time to make my duly required meetings, etc.

Each of these required someone on that path helping.  One required a painful night and no guaranty of morning rescure, let alone timely rescue.  I was not fond of either option.

Three, I could climb over the barrier between the balcony units and try to find someone at home and ask for help.  This seemed reasonable enough.  I opted of course for three as it had the great value of providing immediate action and potentially more immediate relief.

The unit to the right yielded no one at home.  I could not go further because this ended in a drop down to a ledge about 2 foot wide and five foot across before another balcony was available.  This not seeming like a great idea, I went back over and tried going left.

Hmmmmmmm.  No one home at door number two.  Up and over again to the left and no one home at door number three.  Which brought me to.........yep.........another ledge.  However this time I could actually see a TV flickering in the room beyond the ledge.  So I was back to option number two above or the ledge. 

I choose the ledge.  Over the rail I went, holding on to the rail with one hand and balancing against the building with the other as I stepped down the two feet to get a foot hold on the ledge.  Then I walked over as calm as I pleased (or as I could) and pulled myself up and over onto the balcony.  Praying that the TV was not a trick to make housekeeping think someone was there I turned my back to the room (just in case privacy was required) and knocked with the back of my hand.  It took a  couple of tries but finally the person inside figured out where the sound was coming from.  Curiousity one out over safety and they answered the balcony door. 

I was a bit shocked (completely ashamed) to discover that the door I had knocked on belonged to a VIP member of my group - but well hell by then I just wanted off the damn balcony.  They let me call security and I scrammed out of the room as fast as I could.  I called later to thank them for the rescue and thought - well Thank Goodness That's Over.

Some thoughts just get you in more trouble.

The next day I had a call that took me well past time to enjoy the group lunch - which was laid out quite fantastically beneath my balcony along the walkway and shore of the lake.  I decided that I would use my rental car and drive out to get a bite before the next appointment and began to look for the keys as the last call was wrapping up.  They were not in my bag.  They were not in my jacket.  They were not in my folder.  They were not on the floor.  They were not in the hotel room anywhere.  They were not on the way to the car.  They could not be in the car because the car was locked and I would have needed the keys to lock the car. Which only meant one thing...................

They had to have been in the pocket of my jacket when I went on my ninja balcony adventure the night before. OMG....................Back to the room and back to the balcony - where I discover much to my chagrin that they are still breaking down from the luncheon.  I check my watch.  If I am to have any chance of getting out to get something to eat I have to find the keys in the next 15 minutes.  I have not eaten breakfast and I did not eat dinner the night before.  This is a time for action.

I poise myself at the edge of the balcony to the left and wait until the two gentlemen are turned away and make a quick leap over to the next one (almost landing on one of their iron chairs).  I stroll over to the far left corner of this balcony and try to nonchalantly take up the same pose I had before, hoping they won't notice I have changed locations.  One glances up but seems disinterested and moves on, as do I.  I am up and over and onto the next balcony in a flash.  I rush over to look at the ledge, and of course, there they are - the keys - right next to the balcony of my rescuer - just sitting there as if they did not belong in my pocket.  I pause, look to see if anyone is checking out my cat-burglar cum-ninja act and see no-one looking my way and go over the side again - this time in bare feet.  I get the keys and discover that getting back on that balcony is much harder than coming down to the ledge.  I press onward and get a bit of a sliver in my toe for my efforts but manage to get onto the balcony without either being seen or falling off.  I think the latter is the greater achievement at this point but was rather proud of the former at the time.  I make the two successive leaps and then smile like an idiot at one of the workers before I disappear into my room to get the sliver out.

And so I can say with all confidence my friends that I have indeed learned that it is a long way from here to there and sometimes it is even longer to get back again........................

Practice your ninja skills on the ground..................

Rock Steady

R

Breezy

Decided that I do not need the other car - despite how lovely it might be.  If I absolutely have to have something like it - than I can save up and get one that comes with a warranty - like a grown up - or at least a responsible grown up.

Now I just have to figure out how to be a responsible grown up and pick out a car for the Boy.  This is much harder than it appears.  I have a terrible weakness when it comes to my guys.  I love to see them smile.  I thrive on their laughter and their joy.  I tremble with the mere thought of being the cause of anything that might make them sad or mad.  (Though I must admit I would prefer mad, and do not shy away from mad if that is what the situation warrants.)  However, the tear zone - that is so much harder to face.  And the disappointment zone - OMG - that is like walking into the belly of the BEAST.

So you see, picking out the car is truly not easy.  It was actually pretty simple for the Eldest.  At least I thought it was. I wandered around, visited several lots, cruised the internet etc., and then I saw THE CAR, and just knew I had found the car to get him.  I negotiated my deal and proudly drove it home to him.  And he did smile  - and he seemed thrilled, and proud and happy. 

I did not find out until about three days ago that he did not really like the car.  But perhaps, it is only now that he does not really like it, after all that was 2007 and this is now.  In any event - this has been a much different experience.  First, the Boy has been much more explicit about his likes and dislikes. 

There are many more dislikes on the list than likes.  I feel like I have wandered into a maze and the space keeps getting smaller and smaller.  Yeesh!  I tried to open up the alternatives today - and while I may have found some he would find acceptable - I have to admit that they are cars that I would not find acceptable.  So I am stuck. 

Perhaps I should get him a set of matchbox cars and send him off to school with a note that says "Hope to find a bigger version of one of these by Thanksgiving?"

In the interim - I pray for the will-o'-the wisp that will gently bring the inspiration, the flyer, the internet site - to my attention that makes it possible for me to both meet his expectations and fulfill my own desire for safety and sanity for my Boy behind the wheel.

Wish I could say I was feeling loose and Breezy -

But perhaps another day or two and that can happen for me

Hope it is happening for you.............

Riding around..................

So I have been shopping for a car for the youngest.  Hard to believe that it is that time already.  I have to admit that somehow it was easier with the oldest.  I think his car found me.  This time I have not been that lucky.  Far from it. 

In fact, as I was wandering lots looking for something that was both safe and totally cool - (not an easy combination to find) - I stumbled on my dream car. 

So what am I supposed to do now?  Its not like I need two cars personally.  I could get the purrfect car for myself and give the Boy the car I have.  But he has made it very clear that he wants a car of his own and not one that he thinks of as "Mom's" car.  And, I have to admit that the dream car has a few glitches - it is eleven years old, it does not come with a spare tire - and it requires premium gas. 

Still I could get a warranty and I have Triple A.  That leaves the premium gas - which honestly - this car is so beautiful I am not sure I would mind that much.  And if I end up with two cars... I would probably only drive the Beauty in great weather and for fun, and let the other car be the work horse - and It takes regular gas (or at least that is what I give it).

Yet, I do need to deal with issue of getting the car for the Boy. 

And the issue of the reality check on practicality of buying two cars, one of which is totally not necessary. 

So while I might be able to figure out how to make this work,  (let's face it, I am IRISH, and I have learned how to stretch a dollar eight ways from Sunday as a single mom - those combined should make it infinitely possible for me to figure this out),  doing so does not automatically make this a Good Idea.

I have spent the day not going to look at other cars for the Boy and not figuring out the finances - so I still don't know if I can or cannot swing the dream car.  I guess tomorrow will be soon enough to fan the flames or  crush the dream.

Funny - but all of the people I have talked to about this have pretty much told me that there are times in life that you just have to wing it and fly.  I seem to be the only one who thinks that perhaps there are times in life that you just have to suck it up and walk away from the shiny object before it has you acting like Golem and mumbling "My Precious."

Now - if I could just stop doing that already I think I could move on, until then I am riding around in that automobile - my sanity behind me - cause I am at the wheel .......................

Rock Steady and drive safely...........

Wish me luck???????

Caillte 3

Mairy was just settling down to a cup of tea after her less than satisfying dinner of re-heated stew, when she heard a familiar if unexpected sound just outside the cabin.  She scrambled up from her chair and brushed down her skirts before heading for the door.  Patting her hair into place she opened the door wide, a smile there to welcome her Thom.  She looked up, then out to the right and to the left.  Where the devil was the man?  Then she felt the nudge at her hip.  The familiar nuzzle that had to be her Conn.  She reached down and gave him a scratch behind the ears, still peering about looking for Thom.  Not seeing him, she kneeled down, "Well then, where has he gone and hidden himself?"

"Och, ye aren't goin to tell me know are ye?  Been off on the hunt with my fool man, an now I'll have to tease ye back to me side? Is that the way of it?  Well, now, come on it and we'll see who has who wrapped around a pinky," Mairy smiled as she lead the way into the house.  She went over to the cupboard and pulled down the tin where she kept the hound's biscuits.  Twas a good thing she had taken the time to bake and fill the tin to brimming.  She turned, surprised to find that Coll had followed Conn in.  It wasn't often that the grey came into the house. He preferred to be out of doors, only coming in on truly chill nights to share the fire with his brother.  She sighed, and pulled out an extra biscuit.  "One for each of ye rascals then, I guess," she mumbled as she fed them each a treat.

Walking to the door she waved them out, "Now tis' your turn to give me a treat.  Take me to Thom loves."

The hounds moved through the door and down the short steps to the ground.  They walked as far as Cait's pen and then turned and sat.  Their mangy heads turned a bit sideways, the beards of their chins wagging just a bit.  Mairy noticed that Kevin and Finn were already in their pen, resting as if the trip had been long, too long for them to bother with trying to finagle a treat of their own.

That as very odd.  The pack almost always made a bee-line for her to claim their treat for bringing Thom home safe and sound.  Where the hell was the man?  And where was Cait for that matter?

She whistled for Cait.  Mairy had bonded to the she-hound when she saved her and her pups over a year or so ago.  They spent a good deal of time together.  Cait even stayed in to listen to the books she read to Conn.  It was odd how the hound had changed after the whelping, she was far more motherly to these two pups than she had been to any of the ones that had come before, that was a certainty.  And Mairy found that she liked the gentler Cait a great deal more.  She whistled again, but still the hound did not appear. She looked over at the pens, where Kevin and Finn lay with their heads down on their paws, eyes on her all the same and where Conn and Coll sat, now turned away from her to stare into Cait's pen as if she might be in there somehow.

She walked over to them, moving to stand between them.  The two hounds stood and leaned into her, one to each hip.  She scratched them beneath a shaggy ear.  "Somethin's happened hasn't it.  Some strange thing that cannot be explained, but there it is anyway.  Only you canna be tellin me anything more than silence and absence.  If ye are here and they are not, then I best be getting ready to go look for them, eh?  An I am of the thought that ye best plan on comin' wi' me."

She crossedt to the house in quick strides, her eyes glazing with unshed tears.  Opening the door she turned to the younger hounds, now on their feet and peering up under their bushy brows at her.  "Well, in or out, ye can't have it both ways.  I can give ye a night to rest as I get me stuff together, but on the morrow we will have to be gone.  And ye are gonna need to help me.  Goodness knows I ha' not a clue what I am supposed to do at this point."  The hounds moved with a quiet, soft pad over the ground and up into the house, going at once to lay down before the hearth..  Mairy closed the door.

She ran her hands over the smooth wood, then rested her cheek against it.  "Please give me the strength and the courage to stand through this trial.  Help me to find Thom, let me not give up on my journey," she whispered against the wood.  Rubbing a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand, she made her way to the small cellar and began to gather the small supplies she thought she would need and could carry.  It took her about an hour and a half to pull together what she thought she would need and then to set aside what she knew she would not be able to carry alone for long enough to make taking it along worth while.  Finally, she sat down in her chair next to her now very cold tea.  Conn moved to rest his muzzle in her lap.  She stroked his head and let her head drop against the back of the chair. She felt Coll at her other side, a hard edge pressing into her arm.  Looking down she was surprised to see the hound was nosing her book.  "Well, wonders truly abound, tis not like you at all to seek a story Master Coll.  I wasna thinkin of readin tonight, but perhaps a page or two will help."

She sat back in the chair and opened the book, beginning to read the Tale of Oisin outloud to the two hounds that lay at her feet, their eyes resting upon her.  She made it only a few short passages before the tears fell again and she had to set the book aside. "I'm sorry boyos, not tonight.  It's for bed I am. best get your rest, we'll be off to find Thom in the morning." She tamped the fire and pulled a blanket up over her on the chair, curling up to catch the last bit of heat and praying that sleep would come to her as easily as it would to the hounds at her feet.

On Leaving No Trace

This week has been like the proverbial bear *&$#ing in the woods - only the woods have been my office and house.  Pick a personal space and that damn bear has left it behind.  You would think that as I am kind enough to leave no trace when I visit his home, he could be as kind to me.  But as he is a metaphorical bear - I guess he has limits to his training in etiquette. 

That is the long way of saying I have had a CRAPPY week.  But underneath it all I have actually had a pretty good one too. 

I know, I KNOW, that this is a very odd thing to say.  But really - as totally beary smell worthy as this week has been, it has also had a surprising amount of truly great moments.  I suppose you just have to bag a lot of bear-poop to find out how many people really do have your back.  I have to admit it was a pleasant surprise to see the number of shovels and baggies that came forward to help me this week.  I guess not everyone is afraid of a bit of metaphorical caca getting on their hands if it means helping a friend or a colleague out.

I suppose I never realized that I had that support system around me.  It was pretty wonderful to discover it.  Though I would have to say I would definitely advocate for not getting totally dumped on as a method for inspiring the gift of this wonderful knowledge.

I am, as a result, feeling both trodden on and lifted upward at the same time.  I suppose if I can have a metaphorical bear messing things up, I can also manage two such opposed emotions at the same time.  Better to be wholly cracked then half-cracked.  And for those of you that know me - well I know you know I pretty much don't doing anything in half measures.

So while I apply the liniment to the week's bruises I sit here smiling.  Somehow content that the *&$# has been cleared and that I know, should that damn bear come back, I won't be alone on clean-up duty. 

Have a great weekend - and if you go for a spot of camping - metaphorically or otherwise - remember the guiding principal - Leave No Trace - afterall it is what you would want in your personal space too.

Hello, Hello, Hello - Is there Anybody Out There? Anybody In Here?

Having one of those days.  The kind where it doesn't really matter how many people you talk to or emails you respond to - you just feel incredicably existentially alone.

I can't say that my head feels like a big balloon - but the world sort of seems like one - or a giant fish bowl that - I am on the outside of.  Which is why I can see the lips moving, but I don't have a clue what those fish are saying.  Well it could be that I don't speak "Aqua" or that they aren't really making waves so they aren't really coming through at all.

As for anybody in here?  Hell, I think I am, but that is only because I can see the letters emerge on the screen as I type.  Otherwise - this is all just like some kind of mirage.  This day lacks the basic fetters of feeling human enough to be connected. 

Without the occasional comment from co-workers, I would swear I was not visible at all.  I have definitely not become comfortably numb.

Though I think perhaps I would like to do so.  It would make this existential funk much easier to bear.

I just want to feel like I am attached.  I so would like to know that I am not trying desperately to believe that there is a horizon I can look to and find substance. Unfortunately the highway outside my window seems to be adrift in a sea of similarly anchorless wayfarers.  There they are traveling at top speed, nothing but the orange construction cones to keep them between the lines. 

Can they feel how dysfunctional this day has become?  Or is it only me - disconnected in my own space?  I would suspect the latter.  Yet on the elevator only moments ago I could swear the eyes of my fellow occupant were just as glazed and vacant as my own.

Perhaps it is the lull of the constant rain.  Or perhaps it is the droning of our computers as we sit before them hour after hour - maybe it is the building itself - reaching out with contaminated breath to steal us from ourselves and trap us in its granite slabs. 

What drives any one to feel isolated?  What provided the impetus for the creation and definition of the word existential?  I used to think (and to some extent still do) that it came from giving birth.  That the one time where a human feels totally connected to another is when they are carrying a child inside them - and the one time when they come face to face with the unilaterable truth that they can never and will never be wholly connected to another entity, truly mentailly fused, is at the moment of birth.  When the child takes its first breath, and the mother realizes that they do not know that little person any better than they know anyone else.  They may only love them more because they have held them closer, but they cannot know their thoughts before they are spoken - and even then they may not understand. - Hence the pain and the freedom of existentialism.  The gift of being completely an individual and the condemnation of always being on your own - even when you are with others.

Please do not misconstrue this commentary to decry the concept of love, trust and relationships.  You can have these - but even those who know you best will never know all of you (you probably never will either so suck it up) - and there will almost assuredly be times when you do not communicate well a thought - and hence they believe you have said something that is contradicted by what you actually think or feel.  It happens. 

But today - today - I don't think I could bridge any gap at all, not even one with myself.  And perhaps that is not so bad afterall.  Perhaps I just need a break from the think-tank of being.  Everyone deserves a vacation - even if they take it from themselves.

So - call tomorrow and the answer is likely to be - Yep, come on in and sit a spell -
How's your existential self treating you today? Is there anybody in there?

Keep your hands on the Wheel.........

Taking the day to spend with Mom and the boys.  Trying to figure out where to go where we will all have fun - given the potential impending rain - without back tracking over territory that we have visited time and time again.

Think I have found a little swiss town on the outskirts of town that will work.  It has the opportunity for a nature hike - Which we will all enjoy and must admit the exercise is well overdue.  If the rain falls we have an antique shop - which I think will fit all of us as long as there is a book section, a glass section and a furniture section.  We should all be occupied then.  Also included is a cheese and chocolate specialty shop and a winery - with three of us at drinking age I think the last will definitely work well.  A range of restaurants - though I think they will weigh heavily to German/Swiss fare.  Oh well - that is what the exercise is for.

The roads there wind quite a bit - and as I recall this is the area where we learned that smart cows pasture to the right and less mentally endowed cows to the left.  Can't really explain this - but it is a family myth that has stayed with us over time.  The good news is that if we travel back on the same roads the cows of lesser intelligence do seem to magically become enhanced on the return trip!

Looking forward the excursion.

Just have to peal the cats off of Mom now.  They seem to be magnetically drawn to her lap.  Guess they like having her around and are trying to convince her she belongs in that spot on the sofa (I concur).

So off we go - I just have to remember to keep my hands on the wheel - and my eyes on the road - rather than on my camara - Hope one of the boys will man the lens for me.

Ciao  from cow country..........enjoy your weekend and hug the ones you love!

Keep Your Skirt On!

After yesterday I was almost afraid to open my eyes on today.  But I pulled a twister on my psyche and got out the purple skirt my Mom made for me in high school.  Armed with a fool proof feel good wrapped around me - sort of "girded or girlie-d" up for the day - I swung into gear.

First stop - call M.  That did not go so well.  Missed her again today.  Not a great warning shot over the bow - but I was wearing the skirt - so I kind of had her with me no matter what.  Keep smiling, day is going to be fine.  Breathe - in and out - deep and cleansing.  Repeat to yourself - you are not a B*$#@ - you do not have to act like one.  Tension down, shoulders relaxed, breathing deep, skirt still there - check - okay - parking spot available? Yep - bonus for the day.  Up two notches.  (I was counting all the bonus points I could find). 

Elevator ride in vator without heavy cologne or extra oatmeal with syrup scent - double bonus points.  I have no idea where the oatmeal thing comes from - but sometimes you would think an entire kids soccer team had a brown-sugar and syrup oatmeal breakfast in the elevator just before you got on.  Sooo Sweet Smelling - it is not awful - it is just overpowering. Just sayin - odd way to start the day - Sticky sweet vator smells - Anyway bonus points for not that and not the OMG someone dropped their Brut in here. Next stop office -

Yep - no change there - still covered in paper.  No elves came to take care of that.   Bummer.  But not unexpected.  First call - only two new items on my list - requiring a couple of emails - and then nada mas until those have responses (don't want to get into what happens after that) but for now - not too bad.  Next call - Slam Dunk - three on our side - each make a point - round we go - proposal offered - and thank you send it in - I think we have a deal - Nice.  Sometimes our team is sick on slick. (and yeah I wrote that)

Next call - well - a little up - a little down - but I think it worked overall - who can refuse not having to work and still getting what they want?  Then the wave hit - Hard.  Client that was having meeting Monday - now having Friday - fast forward all prep for that.  Three deals need undewriting; two deals need studies completed; another proposal has to go out; and that first call - its no longer just emails -

I am now cranking my head to the left to snap the crick in my neck - I look like I have some sort of weird condition that causes me to have this repetitive and funky looking action - but it hurts and I don't have time to take a healthy walk around the building.

However - I have had at least 3 compliments on my purple skirt and I did get a letter in the mail today letting me know that I am getting some sort of special recognition award for community service within my industry - though I can't be there to get it because I am traveling - It is still pretty cool to be thought of.   Nice to know that what I do actually does improve things for people - that is why I do it (other than for the pay check).  I do need that too of course. 

And I did end up talking to the person from yesterday - and we ended up laughing so hard that the same folk I apologized to yesterday came down to find out what was so funny - so I guess I am now just crazy instead of being a raving witch.  I can live with that better - loony is better than mean any day.

So while today has been totally insane - I think my talisman has proven its worth.  I will have to protect my purple skirt - Never know when I will really need it again...................

Thanks Mom -

Smiles to You -  and remember ...........Keep Your Skirt On!

I'm Gonna Wash that>>>> Right Out of My Hair

My oh my what a day it has been.  I think I woke up with a bad case of crank-itis - and it just built up over the course of the day.

I just can't seem to let the steam out .  It is a very good thing that the person that managed to get me the most riled up has exited the building.  I really do not need to be any more of an Ass than I already have been today. 

Have you ever had one of those days - when you knew you were on an emotional bender - just careening out of control - but no way to reel it back in? - Yep - that was today - I should have stayed home.  And I may well do exactly that tomorrow - just isn't worth coming in and mucking up stuff - I can stay home and be a B*%$# all by myself - then I am the only one who needs to know I have lost it.

I hate knowing I have dumped on other people's day.  It makes me feel even worse than the bottled up anger does.  I want to apologize for being pissed before I even let anyone know that I am (pissed that is).  It doesn't really matter that I might justifiably have a reason to be angry.  There is really no good reason to dump that in another person's day.  You have no clue if there was intent - and without intent - well the anger has no foundation.  It makes the driving act more accidental than anything else.  I guess you can be mad that the person did whatever it was - but we all make mistakes and it seems pretty judgemental to hold on to a ripping mad if they really did not intend to get you there.

So all in all it deflates the anger when you take the time to ask.  Especially since you usually find that they had no clue.  And "Clueless" usually just makes me laugh. 

But today - I just reacted and let it rip - and not even on the person who had stepped up and whacked me upside the head (figuratively).  I had to apologize to the two people who had to listen to my rant - I felt like such a witchy heel for putting them in the path.  I did let the person who is likely to hear of my bad behavior know about it - Not a good idea for them to be blindsided - and I guess we can talk about it later - though I suspect it will be a couple of weeks before we land in the office together again given travel schedules - and by then - the only person who will care will be me.

One because I behaved so badly and two because I still don't know the nature of the intent of the action that spurred it all to begin with.  I guess, given how guilty I feel for behaving like a raving old crone - that I have not much choice other than to eat it - and like it at this juncture. 

And - since anger hurts the angry - I had best figure out how to do that without holding on to any steam.  That might prove more difficult as I appear to be carrying my cranky self around with me like a bowl of spoiled milk.  Just have to find a place to dispose of it and I will be fine -

Yep, a good metal sink, some hot water, maybe a little lemon juice or scented soap - and out it goes.  I am going to rinse that anger right out of my head. 

A little South Pacific anyone?...........................

Caillte (Lost) 2

Mairy was up to her elbows in suds.  Sweat clung to her brow and slipped in beads along her hair line, tangling in her long auburn locks.  She deparately wanted to wipe the rivulets away, but had learned from experience that the lye would sting her eyes if it got any closer to her them.  She lifted her head to the sky and tried to shake the perspiration back, then held her head up carefully as she finished pushing and prodding the pot of laundry with the long paddle.  Och, but there had to be an easier way to get the muck out of their household linens and clothes.  Twas surely a good thing that she only did this type o' deep cleanin' a few times a year. Satisfied that she had pressed the greatest amount of filth out of the laundry she began to transfer the linens to the boiling pot of water in the kettle to her left, careful to keep her hard work from touching anything but the searing hot water along the way.  She let the kettle roil and strode over to use a bit of cool water to rinse down her arms and hands and finally, blessedly wipe her face. "What would I give to live the life of a pampered woman?  Ta' have all me hard work taken care of fer me?  Aye, there are times I think I would throw in the lot of this life for a taste o' that."  She sighed, and moved on to muck out the stall for their single remaining cow and feed the pigs, chickens and sheep.  They had been lucky to get the sheep this last few years.  Not that they had a whole flock of them, but they had 5 of them now and that was a start.  She was not looking forward to shearing them, but she was looking forward to having the wool.  She stood staring at their broad backs, smiling just a bit as she imagined the fine sweater she could make for Thom with the wool once it was boiled down and spun out.  Perhaps she would even make an effort to weave the grey and ivory together.  Aye it could be quite a fine sweater.   "Perhaps I am, no so ready to give it all up afterall," she mused aloud. That thought brought her back to her laundry with a quick start, she ran back to the kettle, hoping she had not boiled the cloth too long.

After the laundry was wrung out and put out to dry, Mairy completed her rounds of chores and retired to the small cottage she shared with Thom.  It seemed so empty with him and the hounds gone.  She had hoped he would leave Conn with her, but of course, as he had always said, a hound's place is on the hunt.  So off Conn had gone.  She picked at her skirt, it was odd how like his namesake the pup was.  He seemed to be able to sense when she needed him around, and he loved to be read to, just as the first Conn had.  She could still remember when Thom had come home with the two strange hounds, the wilder grey one and the taller blonde. Coll, the grey had mated with Cait.  As the she-hound had swollen with the weight of the pups, Mairy had come to care deeply for the blonde.  Conn was just so attentive and somehow aware of her.  She felt like the hound actually understood what she said.  She knew that was beyond loony, but she had felt so connected to the big brute.  She was crushed when Thom had gone off on the hunt with him.  She had such a bad feeling about it.  And then Cait had started to whelp the pups; she had almost bled out to have them.  Mairy knew when she saw those beautiful pups that she would not see her Conn, nor Cait's Coll again, as their miniatures had just been delivered into the world.  And then Thom had come bursting in, the look in his eyes confirming her intuition.  But all in all she was a lucky woman, she had her Thom and the young Conn, and of course young Coll, even if he was a handful.  It was no' such a bad life, tho' it was lonely at the moment.

She stood, time to stop brooding and get on with day. She had supper to tend to and then it would be time to bring in the laundry.

Caillte (Translates to Lost in Gaelic) 1

Mac Tire Caillte

The woods were thick with fog.  It hung heavy and wet, sticking to his cloak and plastering his hair to his cheek and beard.  For all that the night was bitter, he felt roasty and hot in his layers with the fog's sweat rolling down under his collar.  It was not a night to be out of hearth's reach.  Thom said a silent curse, mindful that his Mairy would not like it if he were to take up foul words even this far distant.  He put two fingers in his mouth and gave a low whistle to pull the pack into him.  He was fairly certain they could make do where they were and absolutely certain only a fool would try to find another place to camp in this soup.  Gradually he felt the bump and nuzzle of the hounds as they each came and nudged him in turn.  He counted them off, rubbing their scruffy hides and feeling for signs that would tell him which hound he was dealing with.  It was not as hard as one might think.  His pack had seen better days perhaps, and certainly had their quirks.  Young Conn and Coll stood tallest among them, their heads nigh as tall as his collar-bone if truth be told.  He could barely tell the two apart in the thick fog.  If it were not for the strange notch just on the foreleg on the older pup he wouldn't have been able to.  Then there was Kevin, the oldest of the males, a brindle hound rounded with muscle and good on the hunt.  This one had a notch out of his left ear where a hare had fought back a year or so ago. Finn, a fine wiry haired grey, with a whip snap temper and speed to match had but a snub of a tail from being caught up in a trap when he was only two, several summers ago.  And of course there was Cait, the mother of the two youngest and tallest in the pack.  He would have to see about getting another female as Cait was not breeding anymore.  That was yet another puzzle.  No time to dwell on that.  They were all here. 

He swung is pack off his shoulder and dug about getting out some biscuits for his rabble.  He gave them each one in turn and told them softly that they should stay put.  Then he felt about on the ground and made a small patch clear so that he could lay out his own bed.  Though it was still somewhat light out, he tucked himself in and rolled over, the blanket up over his head, determined to sleep off the ghastly fog.  He could sense the hounds moving about and found himself peering over his blanket.  Cait rooted around the edges of the small area, the others pawed at a few trees or bushes.  Eventually the males settled down near larger trees at the outermost edges of his sight, which must have been not more than 3 feet away.  Cait slipped over to him and nosed his arm up, crawling under and laying down beside him as if it were her right.  He did not normally allow the hounds this kind of arrangement. If he could not do so for all , he did it for none.  But he was tired and bitter cold to the bone, so he hauled her in closer and let sleep take him.

Thom was too far gone in sleep to notice it when Kevin, Finn and the younger hounds rose and began to sniff the wind.  The fog was roiling around, almost as if it was a pot on the boil.  The naked eye could see it whirling first one way and then turning to spin in the opposite direction.  The scents that are normally carried peaceably along where beginning to get muddled as everything jumbled together on the strange mixed-up current.  Shafts of light and dark ran like broken daggers into the fog's whirling dervish making it almost seem like a dance  the winds had kicked up without any musical invitation.  The hounds gave a low gutteral whine.  They did not like the feel or scent of this at all. The two youngest, a blond and a grey, pawed at the ground and howled.  

Yet Thom and Cait slept on. As the tempo of the foggy dance increased, the two young hounds became more agitated.  Finally they broke free of their pawing dance and started toward the sleepers.  They found each step thrust them backward as the wind within the fog pressed against them rather then propelling them forward.  They pushed against the wind with all the muscle and determination they had trying to made it to Thom and Cait's side.  Simultaneously they reached out with their muzzles and nosed at their mother.  As they made contact with their jowls, three things happened.  First her eyes suddenly came wide open;  second, they were virtually thrown out of the small clearing and finally, Thom and Cait seemed to vanish before the young hound's eyes.  It happened so quickly that it seemed impossible that it had happened at all.  One moment, Thom and Cait were there, asleep and the next, they were gone.  The two young hounds picked themselves up and ran back to the clearing.  Kevin and Finn, the older hounds, looked at them in astonishment.  Or at least that is what Conn and Coll assumed,the blond and the grey staring from the knoll to the older hounds looking for answers that clearly were not going to be given.   

Then the strange wind suddenly stopped and the fog began to separate.   The hounds circled about and then finally lay down in the clearing.  It took the better part of the day for the fog to dissipate completely.  Yet when it was gone the clearing hardly seemed any different.  Thom and Cait were still missing, and not a single one of the hounds had moved.   Conn flashed an image at Coll which seemed to be  a hazy picture of Thom and Cait together and of them not being in the clearing.  Coll sent back an empty spot. Apparently he did not have any ideas about what had happened either.  Coll sent an image of Mairy. Conn turned to look directly at Coll.  They agreed on that, they should go home.  But they would have to wait for the others.  Kevin was the lead hound, and by right of the pack would choose the path they took unless challenged. It was not a time for challenging.

They waited there on the clearing through to the next day. Finally, Kevin stood and began to lead them away.  The two young pups wanted to move with speed, but Kevin and Finn took the journey at their own pace.   It would take at least three days to get back to the cabin in the woods with the soft padding tread the lead hound was setting.   Thom and Cait would be missing a long time before Mairy even knew. Though what could be done when a person is taken by a fog and a wind the younger hounds did not know.  And of course there was the issue of getting Mairy to know that was what had happened.  The difficulty of their plight having become more real to them, they young hounds found themselves slowing and falling in to the steady padding rhythm that Kevin had set for the journey.  They would likely need all the time they had to figure this muddle out.

Been A While

Guess it has been awhile since I visited the blog.

Things have been just a shade of grey that have made life seem too blurry to write. 

Perhaps you have been there?  Not a pretty place - but at least for the most part - as everything is out of focus - you can't really tell where you are - so its not that bad.

Lots of "Holiday" hoopla - and all that - except this year the Hoopla seemed to be missing. Or perhaps I was just missing in the Hoopla. 

We had our usual drive down to GA.  Actually enjoyed the road trip - listened to Tolkien and chatted with the Oldest.  This time nothing was said that rocked either of our worlds - unusual for us - as normally during the 16 hour drive someone gets in a historic reference that leaves the other a bit battered and bruised - usually its the Oldest letting out a solid "ding" - I know he isn't trying to.  I think we just get a bit too comfortable on the drive and things slip out that we normally would know enough to keep in.  Was nice this year not to get the slap along with the hugs.

Spent the rest of the trip feeling like I was balanced on a highwire - Mom just did not seem very happy - and I did not know how to make that ok - The Youngest was waiting for a bomb to go off around every corner - and it made him sort of a bomb of his own.  Of course I was not a bit of help - as I was funked out waiting for Congress to pull it together and do something about the Fiscal Cliff.
They just had to wait until the very last moment of the last day I was there to complete the package - so while I truly am duly thankful for their having finally pulled it together- it would have been great it they did not take the entire vacation to do it. - Guess there is always someone who will find something to whine about - and now I am that person (surprise!) -

So now I am back home - after another actually really great roadtrip - and feeling just as grey as I did before.  Which makes pretty much no sense - as afterall - I have two great road trips in - and the Fiscal Cliff has been dealt with - even if we do still have a ton to work on in the year ahead.

Is this just the normal winter blues? - Seems like I have gotten them ahead of schedule and a bit harsher if they are.  I feel like I need to get out of this place - only I just did  and that did not help. 

So perhaps I need to get out of this rut - this cycle of grey  (which unbelievably I might note I am actually wearing all grey today - just noticed that).   I think I need to shake it up - with purpose.  Make myself go do stuff - new stuff - not just set a schedule for early spring cleaning.  I may need to do the spring cleaning - but perhaps when the world is in perma-grey - this is not the best time to set your cap on completing that?

So tonight I am going to find time for a change - not sure what yet - but I think the challenge is on.  I think I will start by adding some color to my wardrobe..................

Get your New Year On....................its been a while - but I think I can learn how to do this again -

Smiles to you