The Beowulf Conundrum

Ripping and gnawing at my hem
That bothersome beast leaves me haggard
Its consistent intent to drag me downward
Has me wondering if standing does any good

Why must it countinually hound me?
Wailing with its high shrill whine
throughout the day and night
infringing on my world and my life?

Doesn't this vile monster
have anyplace else to go?
Doesn't it have its own hopes and dreams?
Or is simply a parasite that has set
its gory sights on me and mine?

Rearing its ugly eyes
Baring its fangs
I can see my past in its throat
The ugly maw stretching to clamp down
on my legs

So far I have moved swiftly enough
that it has caught only fabric
But I tire of this dance
It is time for it to move on
To take human form

Find humane eyes and
a life of its own
My life can not sustain it
Nor the lives of my children
That much is clear

Yet I find myself adverse to the pain
and the collateral damage that
need be inflicted to force this behavioral
change upon my unwanted beastial visitor
How than to deflect its attention/intentions?

Did Beowulf wonder this when dealing with Grendel?
What alignment of moon and stars will map the
path that frees me from these terrible clutches
without requiring blood sacrifice?
Even of this enemy I would spare if I knew how?

Autumn Wonder

And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the moon in full bloom and the stars all quite clear.

What a wonderful night we had last night. Cool and crisp and clean. A night to dance in the sweetness and let the grass tickle your toes. A night to listen to the music of the wind and the leaves as blend in their merry autumnal pattern.

Hard to imagine that winter is so close around the corner and shortly we will be using the opening rhyme to remind us of other holiday cheer.

For now it is enough just to be graced with this fall landscape. To embrace it and be embraced by it. To enjoy this chance to be awed by nature's bounty and gift.

Why is it that we are all too often blind to these small yet precious moments? Here's hoping that wherever you are there is magic in the air.

Find it, feel it and let it move you.

Sharing the Poetic Voice

Something refreshing - from a real Poet - Hope you enjoy this....

The There is There

Here on this beautiful strange planet, habitable but cold,
is it this distance and the radiation I feel that softens my eyes,
the thinness of the atmosphere, high and fine - but blue?
And gold! It's tinged with gold at the edge, this bright blue bubble
with its gold that is a day full of time to be spilt out...
And can't I spill it out on you? This day?
This time of a rushing tide that should of come but once
and now returns as if it can't be held.
And back to the questions of distance and time,
and is it finite, and why?
And all the while it radiates and flows, across this gulf,
we do connect, radiate and flow.
Suddenly the goals evolve, the There is There,
and standing on my crossed toes I can just see the beginning,
as it should have been.
Ah, the luxury of space and the longing of time,
and the promise of an expression to be shared.

Richard Johnson

On Transcendant Communication

Distance. It lays there like a vast bog of unease. A dark unlit expanse, seemingly solid, yet I know there are areas that will not bear my weight. Areas that will not even bear the weight of my thought. This bog has the capacity to draw you down into its maw, wrap you in its silken muddy depths and preserve you. It is this temptation that is perhaps the single most fearsome aspect of the great expanse.

Yes, distance can draw you to it. It can call your name in the middle of the night. It can be the voice that whispers huskily in your dreams. It can be there in the brilliance of day, calling you to it. As if somehow your answer will fill the beckoning void.

You feel it. I know you have. Sitting in the dark, in silence, when the distance in the room enlarges and you find yourself alone, even when you are "together". This essential gap, this internal cavern that opens and begs you to leap, is intrinsic to the soul. We all crave to close the distance. To bring ourselves closer to something or someone. It is the underlying essence of existentialism driving home its meaning in pangs of day to day reality. We are, all of us, essentially alone. No matter how close we are to another, our thoughts, our feelings, are trapped behind the words we can share. Our ability to translate through touch, sound, picture, etc. - they still lack the capacity for true transcendant communication. As in the end your reality will always be what you perceive it to be, and the best I can hope for is that somehow you may understand what it is that I am trying to share with you. For in truth, you will never see through my eyes as I can never see through yours.

Hence the distance remains, cloying, deceptive and ever so complete. Yet we need to reach out - need to continue to connect. To attempt to close the gap. To find transcendance - and I wonder - is there a better way? These words, these images, this modes of communication, do they somehow block our ability to create the connection, to bridge the distance?

Or can we manage to truly THINK OUT LOUD?

For the times and the tides

For no particular reason - Just subjecting you to a bit of poetry dujour:


Floating, no, rushing at high tide
Tumbling on the sand
Spilling and shifting
Then gathering my skirts and
Running back to sea

The salt spray in your hair
grit on your skin
it stayed with you on the shore
barefoot and laughing with
the tumbling girl in the waves

I'm not sure you knew the source
of the taste of the water
But you didn't drown in it
That was in your favor

And you were there
Towel in hand
at the next rising of the tide
to gather me up, froth and foam and weed
ply me with coffee and wine and fire

And set me free when the tug came
back to the sea
Somehow what I remember now
As the waves whip my hair
Is the towel in your hand
and the smile on your face


Happy Monday to all - and enjoy the shore

Puzzle Pieces

Puzzle pieces. Life is somewhat like a puzzle. It comes to you in pieces. It never really displays its whole picture. Though at times it may feel as if you can see it, those moments are only component parts of the frame. They don't really capture the whole.

When you think of your life, of the sum of its parts, there are pieces that simply are a part of you. I think of them as the spine of my life. And there are others that come and go. Some of these may be so fleeting that they are almost as quick as a butterfly. Yet, like a butterfly, metaphorically, the beating of those wings can make tidal waves in your life. Still others may be there steadfastly over the years, silent here and there, but present. These parts or puzzle pieces may take the form of many things, but I tend to believe that the most important are the people and perhaps sometimes the creatures that you meet along the way.

These puzzle pieces intrigue me. I have noticed lately that sometimes we seek certain pieces out. It is as if we are trying to mold our lives. I have a very dear friend who has been trying for a long while to do this. To make their life over again, change it from what they never had to what they want to have. And so they moves from relationship to relationship, creating families for themself that are outside of their own. Compact little units that they can join and retreat from at will. Hoping against hope that at some point these puzzle pieces will fill the gap that was created at the root, not realizing that the root has to be repaired first. Despite this they remain relatively content in these fragmentary families. Perhaps each one brings them new entrees into understanding themselves a bit better, and perhaps that is all we can really ask of those we attract into our lives. Somehow, I hope there is more.

I believe that the people we attract into our lives can help us learn a great deal about who we are, where we are heading and perhaps where we may choose to be today. That being said, it is not always easy to see the patterns we are living when we are in the center of them. Much as my friend, no doubt, does not see the pattern in the life they are living. And, perhaps the pattern does not matter, so long as in the living, we are happy. I wonder if my friends look at my life and can see me dancing the same steps and simply are too kind to point out that I am being redundant? Perhaps if I knew I could break the pattern and find a path that might lead to a contentment that lasts?

Or perhaps the pieces of the puzzle have not yet aligned yet, and when they do - the winds of change will carry them to me. Until then, I will rely on the spine of my life and on those constant pieces that provide their quiet and quality support. And of course continue to examine the fit and feel of each new piece that finds its way into the puzzle that is life - going and growing -

In Living Colour

Convolution Revolution Anyone?

Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be so complicated. Seems to me that we spend an awful lot of time creating complexities. All the little bureacractic conundrums of daily living.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why create knots when we know we truly do not enjoy the process of disentangling them?

It seems there is some component of human nature that drives us to these ludicrous heights of twisted behavior. As if we are drawn to the patterns created by the convolution of relationships and function. Our over-abundant focus over time on social-dogma appears proof enough of that. The scores of books on management, both personal and corporate weigh heavily in this arena as well. How much training should it really take for people to be able to work toward a common goal together? Realistically, assuming the goal is defined and agreed upon, it just doesn't seem that a football field full of literature and self-help tapes should be required to support the effort. Yet there is far more than this available to the casual effort and experts abound ready to be hired for the more seriously focused interests.

I sit here, clearly looking through jaded eyes, watching the corporate circus go by, and wonder why it is that we can't see the forest for the trees and the trees for the forest. These items are stagnant. They haven't moved, and for the life of me, I can't see how other people around me have shited either. So how is it that the picture is out of focus?

I guess it comes back to the idea that "Reality is what you perceive it as, therefore others will perceive it differently" (Thank you Mom and Dad for those pearls of wisdom.) Which translates into, don't expect everyone to see it your way. Yet sitting here with the goal on the chalk board, and heads nodding, "Yes, that's where we want to go." I can't help feeling a bit frustrated when I know we are no closer to getting there than we were several months ago when the goal was first established.

Why? Because the relationships among the players are too complex. No one knows who gets to play with the toys when, and no one is willing to share the toys - making it possible to achieve the goal. Even though it is in everyone's best interest to get to the finish line. Complex, yes, frustrating, yes, easy to solve for - No. Too many egos in the way and not enough clarity on who really wants exactly what to know if the goal is primary or secondary in the over-all scheme of things.

So I wonder, at what point we will stop creating these convoluted patterns of communication and start creating relationships that work. Or are we even capable of getting there? Does our territorial nature make this impossible to achieve? Just thinking out loud..............

On Today

It is such a beautiful day out. I really should be out there enjoying it. But inside I just feel empty. Like someone came in with a scooper and just hollowed me out. I ache in places I didn't even know existed. Raw and exposed. I feel like one look at my eyes and even a perfect stranger would be able to see the need that broods there.

I sit here with my door closed because I really can't face anyone. Actually dreading the time when I will need to clock out today and go home. I don't want to look my son in the face. I know he will see the pain there. And I don't want him to remember, I don't want him to hurt too. If he is making it through this day without this gnawing emptiness then I want him to escape unscathed.

Everything I touch, every sight, movement and sound, just brings it all back. How much I am missing. And yes, I know it is selfish. But grief is that. We are not grieving for those who are gone. We are grieving for what we miss, what we want back, for what we must forego every day now that those we love have moved on.

There is no easy way to let go. No comfort found in the vacant space they leave behind. The memories are wonderful yes. But sometimes, the need to hear their voice again, the want for that hug - the craving for that lop-sided smile is just too strong. And the walls just cave in leaving the huge hollow in you - the one you thought you had managed to start filling in at least a little bit. And then you know, that no matter where you are or what you ar doing, you will carry that empty spot with you, just as you will carry the sparks of laughter and wonder that came from knowing them.

It doesn't make the absence suck any less. But it does put a bit more hope into the day and the prospect that tomorrow may feel less grim.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I could really use that hug right about now. Yep, love you too, Always. And thank you, for everything.

Songs in the Afternoon

Remember the song with the lyric in it "Please come to Boston in the Spring time?" Don't know why, but I am sitting here on this incredibly lovely October afternoon in the middle of Cow Country, and for some reason just that phrase keeps running through my mind.

I don't really know why. I know a few folk in Boston, but really just acquaintenances. And I am not in Boston, so frankly, have no clue why this keeps floating around in my head like spare change I just can't seem to find a home for.

Perhaps I am just thinking wistfully today. Collin will soon be on break, off to visit with my family down south. I will be traveling in the Dakotas. Conor will be here in classes. Each person of my little unit will be jangling along doing what needs to be done, or in at least one case connecting with family. And perhaps that's the reason for the song. This feeling that my people are scattered in so many places. As am I with all of my travels. It would be so nice to gather everyone together, but life has a way of creating distance. We do our best to overcome this with technology, but the distance is there all the same.

There was a time when life, though less convenient, was simpler in this regard. People did not move as far or as quickly. And in some ways I guess I long for those days. Yet I know I would miss the complex ways we have of reaching out in our hyper-speed, hyper-technical world of today.

I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too. When we are younger I think we believe it is as simple as baking two cakes. Seems like the perfect answer, one for now, and one for later. Little consideration is given to that later than later moment. Which is where we find ourselves when the distance creeps in and we start humming old tunes and spending wistful afternoons with the image of that cake in our heads.

I guess I'll carry that song with me just a bit more today. For everyone I wish was here and for every place I wish I was today. I'll just let it play on. A sweet little wish to remind me of everyone out there, and everyone in here (my head).

Basements and Bogeymen.........

I used to be terribly afraid of basements. I suppose this comes from too many B grade horror films when I was very impressionable. (Now I just don't watch them). And of course I am certain it comes from a basement we had when I was growing up. We lived in a ranch surrounded pretty much by prairie up until the summer of 3rd grade. Then we moved to this great two-story in suburbia. Very lovely, even the basement was great, in daylight.

At night though the moonlight would reflect in through the sliding glass doors, bounce off the patterned red rug and shine up the stairwell. Even if you could brave the glowing red stairs, the rest of the basement was pitch, absolutely pitch black. The slightest sound reverberated through the space and chilled right up your spine.

In the entire time we lived in that house, I can't remember a single time that I stayed in that basement at night. Plenty of daylight hours. The household library was down there and what was loosely our rec-room, so it was the natural place to go. But come dark, I was out of there. In fact, I can't remember a single friend who cared to hang out there either.

It was new construction, so I don't think it was haunted or any thing like that. Just Creepy. Creepy I think just from the decor. But it has stayed with me, this feeling that basements are for day use, ONLY.

So I wonder, what else I have brought along from childhood that I know is innocuous and should be discardable? (Other than an unreasonable fear of moths?)

And I wonder how many of us ask ourselves, what drives us in these small ways, and do we have any triggers like these that affect the way we deal with each other?

I'm still pondering that.

On Smiling - Too Much?

Breathe, just breathe............As I race from project, to phone, to meeting and back to project, I find myself thinking, just that. Breathe. The smile that hovers despite this pace just doesn't seem to have any place else to go. It is irrepressible. Even as I walk into yet another meeting that I know will involve VERY GRUMPY people, the smile won't let go.

Do you know how badly grumpy people react to a person that just can't help smiling? Half way through the day, I can tell you - they do not get happier. They definitely get grumpier. So, now, I just keep thinking, breathe and hold. I know I can make it through the next meeting without breaking out in a beaming smile. If I concentrate on the breathing and just hold, then bolt for the safety of my office, where I can smile as much as I want without offending anyone.

What a shame to waste such a great mood. But if I can't lift the people around me up with the bouyancy in my step, than the least I can do is not help weigh them down. And of course, it helps not letting the blues dragging on their coat-tails drift over on to mine.

Of course, it is probably a grand idea for me to have the door closed, as I just realized that I am actually humming a bit too. It's these wonderful crisp autumn days. I wish they would infect everyone with the same joyful passion. Now that would be fun. Imagine a meeting where everyone couldn't hide the smile lurking there. I think we might just have something inexplicable and oxymoronic - a productive meeting!

Off to another...............Breathe, just breathe. I can smile as much as I want, in about 45 minutes or so.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A truly wonderful day to be alive. I sit here typing away and wondering why it is that I am inside? How did it come to pass that I sold my time in this way? It is what we do, sell our time to our employers. We sell our time and our skills in exchange for that paycheck that supposedly makes it possible for us to live the life we want to live.

Yet on a day like today, do you ever wonder - am I getting what I bargained for? Not am I getting the paycheck. You should be fairly certain that will happen (at least I hope we all are). But are you getting to live the life you want to through the sale of your time and skills?

While you sit there, or whatever it is that you do: (meet, greet, wheel, deal, hammer, saw, write or create) are you missing that glorious day that can't be relived? Is there a better way to work this employment gig? And wouldn't you love to find it?

I realize this is really just wishful thinking for the most part. There simply are work hours, because we do need to connect to others to get those agreements accomplished, and not everyone is having the wonderful day that we are having everywhere around the world. So short of having a weather machine that can provide all of us the perfect simultaneous day, it seems unlikely that everyone will have the same desire to break concommitantly.

But perhaps we will at some point in the very near future have the technology that lets us take our jobs outside when the weather is fine, and perhaps the sale of our time will feel a bit more like a great deal when that happens.

Til then, I guess I will just have to make sure that I get outside to walk on breaks and enjoy knowing that someone, somewhere is really spending it well. Enjoy the day..............

Ain't it a Wonderful Thing? (Mom please forgive the slang)

Autumn days. cool and crisp, and wonderful. Extradordinary times seem to lead to meeting wonderful people. Or they can if you have the courage to let it happen. What a fabulous world we live in. So many gifted and intriguing people just wandering around waiting to bump elbows with.

I must be doing something right karmically to find myself in the path of so many truly awesome people these days (daze?). In any event, a big thank you to the cosmic forces that are putting me in the right place at the right time.

I never ceased to be amazed by the consistent flow of incredible people I meet. I guess I should start with the incredible morning gift I receive everyday from the music of my Mom's voice. I should be thankful for that and the wonder of my boys alone. Yet it just keeps getting better.

I few trips ago I met an author of Asian children's books. What can I say, in that brief transit, I think I came across one of the most unique and perhaps gifted persons I have met in years. And it was only a few short months before that life had revolved full circle to bring the singularly most gifted actor I have ever known back into my circle. I found then that he had started not only to direct, but also to write. And write he most certainly can. Of course, if you have been reading along, you have read the piece by James Mills, taken as an excerpt from his world travels. Another amazing connection. And if any of you have taken the opportunity to read Imola's blog you know what an amazing connection that is. What a gifted artist and visionary. And all of my other wonderful friends I have connected with so recently, and who been with me over the years, too numerous to count, you know who you are - I can't help but feel awed to have you with me on life's journey.

So, it should be no surprise that I should find yet another amazing person standing there right in front of me in my own home town. Bright with life, sparkling with wit and letting the full capacity of an October day crackle with vitality.

Thank you to everyone, I could not be more blessed.