On Today

It is such a beautiful day out. I really should be out there enjoying it. But inside I just feel empty. Like someone came in with a scooper and just hollowed me out. I ache in places I didn't even know existed. Raw and exposed. I feel like one look at my eyes and even a perfect stranger would be able to see the need that broods there.

I sit here with my door closed because I really can't face anyone. Actually dreading the time when I will need to clock out today and go home. I don't want to look my son in the face. I know he will see the pain there. And I don't want him to remember, I don't want him to hurt too. If he is making it through this day without this gnawing emptiness then I want him to escape unscathed.

Everything I touch, every sight, movement and sound, just brings it all back. How much I am missing. And yes, I know it is selfish. But grief is that. We are not grieving for those who are gone. We are grieving for what we miss, what we want back, for what we must forego every day now that those we love have moved on.

There is no easy way to let go. No comfort found in the vacant space they leave behind. The memories are wonderful yes. But sometimes, the need to hear their voice again, the want for that hug - the craving for that lop-sided smile is just too strong. And the walls just cave in leaving the huge hollow in you - the one you thought you had managed to start filling in at least a little bit. And then you know, that no matter where you are or what you ar doing, you will carry that empty spot with you, just as you will carry the sparks of laughter and wonder that came from knowing them.

It doesn't make the absence suck any less. But it does put a bit more hope into the day and the prospect that tomorrow may feel less grim.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I could really use that hug right about now. Yep, love you too, Always. And thank you, for everything.