From the Pieces to Bliss

In the puzzle that is life, sometimes you stumble on moments where the pieces come together and form the whole.

Yesterday, when the rain miraculously lifted on the day of my son's "big" party, my friends and family managed to shift everything from the house to the park where it was originally planned. I could say this was not a monumental task, but true to my normal over planned fashion, I had mountains of supplies to move, plus games and decorations.

Yet in under twenty minutes and using only two cars and an SUV, we managed it. Like Santa's helpers everyone fanned out and before I knew it the party was prepped. Then another truck appeared, and out came more missing puzzle pieces, who filled in the sound and the life of the party.

As the guests began to arrive and my son disappeared to play basketball, the sun rose higher into the sky. It seemed it had a desire to match the joy that was echoing in the park. A soft breeze joined the party and the puzzle gained yet another part.

As I sat there with the people who are most important to me, listening to the music, the laughter and soaking in the smiles, it occurred to me that the puzzle was perhaps, complete.

I knew that those who could not join where there in spirit and many had sent greetings or called that day. Life indeed may be a puzzle. And sometimes a frustrating one at that. But there are days when the pieces come together to make the whole. And when they do........Bliss.

Pot-Luck

While Forrest Gump may believe that life is like a box of chocolates, and Harry Potter fans may equate it to a bag of many flavored jelly beans, I think of it more as a communal pot-luck dinner.

We each bring a dish to pass. Whatever we feel at the moment. Some have time or the desire to put a great deal into our dish and others just stop at the local grocery for pre-made cakes or a bag of chips. Then we gather, throw the food and beverage on the table(s) and feast. Most of the time you can identify the dish in front of you. However, there are plenty that are unveiled and while they are colorfully presented, you really have no clue what you are getting into when you put a scoop on your plate.

The interesting part of the exercise is how much faith you put in

a) the person who brought the mystery dish;
b) your personal ability to guess at its contents: and
c) your ability to savor whatever it may hold

I believe this is a pretty good analogy for life. Unless you are a hermit. Then you can pretty much rest assured that you know what you are heaping on your plate as you are the only one making the dishes. Of course this leaves you in the precarious position of being the only one providing sustenance at your table. I don't think I would recommend this for more than a few weeks of meditative cleansing of the mind.

As we move through the world around us we have these "pot-lucks" through out our days. Many of these meals are people we already know and even more with random encounters. Like when we meet the person in the grocery store line who happens to be a few cents shy of their purchase, we are part of their "pot-luck" moment, we can participate in the feast or just watch. When we converse with the harried flight attendant we are each bringing a dish to pass. It could be we are offering up something savory and worthwhile in the karmic calories to be consumed. Or we could be the high lard content that most people should or do want to avoid.

I try to keep this in mind when I drag my troubles behind me, so I can avoid adding them to the recipe when I put my dish on the table for those I interact with. Not an easy task, we are indeed human, and what we are feeling tends to spill over into the soup. However, karma is an active ingredient and it does help to try to keep yourself in balance when you join in the daily feast.

Just recently I lost my glasses in a frantic day. I was definitely working in hypermode - and they just seemed to get away from me. Normally this would have been something that really impacted my frame of mind (not in a good way). But at the point of their departure from my life,so much else had been served, so many good, healthy servings that I thought - its okay - they will surface or I will just get another pair - life is still good. Then the camara when haywire at an important event. Somehow, again, it was easy to just let it go. It would get fixed or replaced. And guess what, the glasses were rescued and the camara "rested" and is now fine.

What I brought to the feast that day was a willingness to let it ride. I added a healthy dose of life is good, let's just keep dancing to the side dish I brought to the party. And the people around me responded with rescuing my glasses and jiggling the right buttons etc. on the camara, to make the rest come together. This is a rather mundane example of what I am trying to get at. - But it sort of works. When you make your daily dish from the negative, that's probably what is going to end up on your table. When you deliberately choose to add the positive and leave the negative out - somehow more positive seems to flow into the feast.

This is good for you and even better for those you surround yourself with. So if you really want a day out for a bit of grousing and rolling around in the trauma and drama department, you may want to make that your hermit day. Then bounce back to feast when you are ready to dish up, if not your best, than at least a tasty treat to pass. At the very least try not to bring dairy that is out of date...........

And as Forrest says so often, "That's all I have to say about that."

Embrace the child within

Today I find myself with more things to accomplish than I have time to do. A myriad of tasks, each focused in different directions. A call to clean up a report. Another to review issues and items related to a completely different aspect of my job. Three speeches to give, none of which have been written yet and two luncheons (yes two) to get through. Plus the networking session tonight.

I look at this and all I can think of is - I don't want to. I don't want to be living in this grown-up world. I don't want to have all of this responsibility. I don't want to be straightening out what feels like other people's messes and I don't want to be cleaning up my own.

I just want to be a kid. I am not a fool, I realize that even as a child I thought there was plenty to do that I did not want to. It just all feels so much more complex and burdened now. As if the weight has gotten heavier, with more people expecting an ever increasing amount from me. And while I know I can live up to the expectations, I just plain don't feel like it. At least not today. I want to thumb my nose at all the requests and just run around the City. To go to the Libary of Congress and be amazed. To wander the central mall of our Nation's Capital and be in awe one more time of the architecture and the simple grandure of the gardens and stately trees. I want, I want, I want. -

It is simple really. Not complicated at all. Yet the wall stands. The people who make the demands are there. Their needs still call out, and what I want will fade in comparison to these stated needs. Because, I am, like it or not, an adult. Yuck.

How I long to just stand on the roof-top and scream "I WANT" and let the world in on my secret. But instead, I send this brief note out and will return to the duties at hand, with the small seed of hope that the end of the day will bring at least a few minutes of respite. A few minutes to gaze at the moon (and the stars if you could see them through the glare of the city lights) and find that child of mine - and set her free - if only for a moment or two.

Here's to the kid in all of us. Embrace them while we can.

Summer in the City

OMG - it is hot in our Nation's Capital. So hot that the usually overbearing airconditioning isn't even touching the swelter. The drive in from the airport was a haze of heat. You could literally see the it wavering in the air. I think it is making everyone move just a bit slower. Though it is certainly not making their tempers less volatile. Just watching the crowd jostle its way out the doors and into the cabs told that story. Every suitcase bump was a cause for a rough look or harsh word. It certainly made me step back to let everyone move through.

Funny the way our environment affects us and the way we let it affect the way we treat each other. It is as if this cauldron of heat is boiling us and the roil it creates leads to that bumping and grinding and clenching of teeth.


I think of some of the old movices, like Cat on a Hot Tim Roof, when the rain finally comes and the tension releases - then all the sultry and somehow good qualities of the passion of that built up heat gets released. Makes you wonder how much is being built up out there. With all these people sending out so much negative in the heat of the day, will they find their balance if the night brings them a whisper of cool, a pleasant downpoor? And will they notice how different they are when that release comes?

Is there a way to take the lessons of a hot summer day and move them into our daily life? When the heat comes from other less obvious sources? Can we learn how to source our own internal coolant - our own inner aspects of release? If we could, would we chose to do so? Or is it the passionate up and down part of the dance that makes life enticing? I know it is for a number of people I interact with everyday. No spice, no fun. They need the drama - could probably live without trauma, but drama, yes that is necessary for them. Yet I find that sense of calm is just so appealing. I like the smooth surface of the lake, and the small ripples on its surface. I love the ocean too, but at least I am standing on the shore enjoying its magnificence - I am not the wave itself crashing myself on the harsh rocks as I saw some people doing with their anger today.

Where is the balance? And how far out can we go as people before we reach our tipping points? When you have reached one - how do you regain your footing? - Hmmmmm - I think I am getting very close to "Why is a shoe called a shoe?" again..............

Answer Pray, Answer Tell? -

Does anyone know the next line to this Rhyme? - It is from one of Harry Houdini's acts...........

Time for some iced-something - Stay Cool and Be Good to Each Other

3 Bottles of Wine

Three bottles of wine later, with the red on the ivory linen and the laughter spilled out into the street, I found myself alone in the kitchen. And a kind of hush fell into the room. The peace that comes from an evening well spent.

How odd it seems that these are rare gems. Shouldn't they be the norm and not the exception? As I cleaned the dishes and scrubbed the linen, I could not help but feel just a little wistful.

The rain had come down hard. Pelting in sheets. But not before the salmon and asparagus had come off the grill. In fact, we had just trayed them for the table when the storm broke. And it cleared as dessert was served. Just enough to water the new plantings, and not enough to drown them.

And perhaps that is why these types of evenings are sprinkled about in our lives and not shoveled into each day. Just enough to keep the plants healthly, but not enough to drown out the bloom.

Not sure, but I do know - it was a full and richly textured evening. I indeed am blessed.

Dancing through the Woods

I can remember a time when it seemed that time stretched out, when the months seemed like they would never end. I can remember thinking that school would never let out, and summer felt like it lasted. Now as the years pile upon themselves, it seems like time rushes by. Sometimes it seems like the sand in the hour glass has somehow found a way to move faster than the speed of light.

It seems like only yesterday that I started on this journey. I wonder how I got to this place. So far from where I thought I was headed, yet in many ways so comfortable with where I have ended up. It seems as if I blinked somewhere along the way. And now, here I am. Life is indeed short. I wonder how it is that we often just don't see how short it is.

Recently, I have had the pleasure of wandering a bit through the past that slipped so quickly by. Amazing to meet so many people that I have connected to over this quick run through time. Even more amazing to find out how connected we have remained. All these little threads that weave through and tie us to who we are through the people we have known. To have the opportunity to see ourselves through the mirror of the past. That is truly a worthy gift. To find out that perhaps what we remember is not what others do. A sort of check and balance. And in a very important way, an opening to the future.

This reconnection, may in fact be an opportunity to see current and future connections with greater clarity. Perhaps even to grasp that feeling that time is not so fleeting after all. Maybe what made those long magical summers was not an absence of cognitive connection but in actuality a true awareness to the bounty laid before us. In that innocence perhaps it was possible to just believe in the moment and truly savor it.

As we grow, I think we lose some of this inherent skill. We lose our ability to lose ourselves to the rhythm of the day, the friendships, and the flow of life. We get caught up in the must do lists, our daily tasks and the forward thrust of whereever it is we think we have to go. And somehow in this new focus time collapses. There is not enough time to enjoy the singular moment when focused on what comes next.

So when our past reaches out to remind us of those slow moving days, it is not just a glimpse of what so many refer to as the "glory days". It is a reminder of our ability to live in the moment now. To have that sense of timelessness in our lives today. To revel in our ability to connect in all aspects of our lives throughout our lives. I recall a line from an old Carly Simon song - not sure I have it right:

I remember a time dancing through the woods
Sun against our skin instead of clothes
When we'd get hungry we would eat
When we'd get glad we'd dance
And whenever we'd get drowzy we would doze

You can see where she is headed - living life to live it now. Not to live it tomorrow. Why should this be so hard to do?

All I can think of is that we are blessed to be here. To have these chances to dance through the woods. To be with people who can make us laugh, cry or even get our ire up. Live is indeed for living. Why wait til tomorrow?

Ride, Baby, Ride

There are days when all you want to be doing is riding a motorcycle. I have to come clean here and admit, I am a passenger. I don't ride on my own. Though I think it is something I may aspire to someday.

Today the air is thin and hot. A great day for riding. The kind where you can open the vents on your jacket and just go. For hours. A day when the road opens in front of you and you pray it will just continue to unfurl in curves and ribbons just winding around through the lushness of summer. There are really not many other experiences that compare to a great ride.

Being there completely in the moment is the closest thing I can think of to an instant meditative tool. It is pretty much impossible to ride and not be in tune with where you are. You just absorb it all.

The feel of the bike; the changes in momentum. The shifts in your partner as they move into curves and you flow along with them. The changes in the landscape as you seamlessly glide from pasture to forest to small towns. Your breathing as it shifts with the exceleration. Its all there and you are all there. Completely in the moment and no where else.

It almost comes as a shock to the senses when you climb off and meet with the ground again. It is very much like exiting a meditative state. You still have that wonderful sense of calm and connectedness, but finding your voice seems a bit fragmented. I guess in a way because you don't really want to break the link you have forged.

And I suppose that is why so many people ride. So, here's to a great motorcycle season. Hope everyone has plenty of opportunity to spend time getting connected.

Q & A?

Here I am at the keyboard, tapping away. Wondering so many, many things. Like, why is it never dark enough at night when you really need it to be? And why is it always, always way too dark when you are trying to find the path down the hall at 2 am? Or other things that just don't make sense. Like, why are there some flowers that just keep blooming if you lop off their heads on a timely basis? I mean, how wierd is that?

And why is it that the cosmic balance seems to rotate like the cycles of the moon? It waxes and wanes with the tides, riding to its zenith and giving a fullness and completeness that you can savor - but only until it starts to tip again. Like the waves washing back out to sea. And then there you stand, toes curled in the sand, wondering why you feel just - well off-kilter, or somehow more empty. You could try running out into the waves,(I think most of us have), but that balance, well it really does ebb and flow with the tide. It just doesn't seem like you can grab it, own it and control it. I suppose it would not be very cosmic if you could.

I find that the cosmos has been both a friend and harsh task master to me of late. As it waxed forth it has brought be back in touch with myself by linking me to truly special people from my past. And as it waned, it forced me to look at parts of my life I did not want to see.

Now I stand here, with my toes in the cool wet sand, wishing that the cosmos had waxed a bit longer. I don't know what the next cosmic cycle will bring, I hope it has a gentler hand this time.

While I wait to see what the cosmos will bring I find myself wondering a few other important life questions, like ...

Why is a shoe called a shoe? And who decided that it was a good idea to eat an egg in the first place? Did they see where it came from? Or did they just find a random, surprizingly clean one and think, "Wow this is cute, I should eat it"?

Laugh While You Can Monkey Boy

Disjointed, disconnected, disassembled. I am moving systematically through the day. Somehow making the elements align and the work move along as it should. I am answering the phone and making sense, at least to the callers, yet in my head - it makes no sense at all.

I am definitely having an "out-of-body" type of day. The kind where you manage all of the tasks, but you aren't quite participating in them. Strange isn't it - that these are sometimes the most productive days? Productive at least in terms of the amount of widgets produced, if not in the amount of creative energies released.

I have had any number of people come through the door today to get my advice on professional needs. I must have said something appropriate, because now they are busily scurrying around getting the information required, dotting the "i's" crossing the "t's" and moving the documents and spreadsheets out as suggested.

I feel sort of like an axle in the cogs and gears, just spinning here. Knowing the part to play and keeping myself in rotation, but not really using much mental muscle.

Perhaps this is just the diffusing of the pressure from our busy season and as I relax back into more normal hours I am finding it difficult to connect to the work?

Don't know - Just seems so - tangential? Somehow not related to what I am really thinking? Not that I have a clue what I am really thinking, mind you, I just seem to be going through the motions of the day - waiting expectantly for my mind to catch up with me.

I wonder, if that does come to pass, will I have some brilliant flash of insight? Or will the menu for dinner be all that comes to me? Either way I think it will feel better than this distanced activity.

Brain-o'-brain, wherefore-out-thou? - Not standing under the balcony apparently.......It makes me flash briefly on a great quote from Buckaroo Bonzai:

Laugh while you can Monkey Boy

So I guess that is what I will do, laugh while I can and - just keep spinning.

Aspiration/Eclipsing - Language Speaks Volumes

I have not posted any poetry before, but I found this piece I wrote a bit ago while cleaning out some files. As I read it now, it explains a lot to me about what I struggled with for several months. This was something I don't think I really fully grasped until a few weeks ago. Pity that we don't always understand what motivates our writing. Bigger pity that we don't always read what we have written in a moment of singular clarity. I remember very vaguely writing this and thinking nothing more of it than it being a play on words. I never read it again until today.

I think perhaps I will pay more attention to these little pieces in the future. Even if it is only to take the time to transcribe them from paper to type. Perhaps in doing so I will find clarity more quickly and ease my days rather than complicate them.

Is there a point to all this drivel? Nothing more than I wish I had paid attention to what I knew then, instead of reading it now.........

Aspiring

Aspiration is not often exhilarating
It does not yield softly to its inevitable eclipsing
The defiant addition of unstated demands
yields little when confronted with its guttural counterpart
That harsh uncompromising and immediately
word altering, world clipping change
To learn so much from such quick lessons
To want so much and know of its futility
When the self has so little to give
To aspire to be eclipsed is a lesson in language itself
A wrapping of the heart in the native tongue
Completely foreign yet a final piece of the puzzle
In the jumble sale of the heart

Where ever you go..........

"Where ever you go, there you are." This has long been one of my favorite quotes. It is from an old sci-fi movie, Buckaroo Banzai. Great film as an aside, if you have time to just sit back and laugh a bit. So there I was, wandering the bookshop and what should my wandering eyes find, but a book with that very title! So, naturally, not being an implusive person at all I bought it.

This little volume is essentially a book on living meditatively. It is not a book that is full of humor. But it is a book that divulges a sense of what it takes to have humor in your life. The idea is to take the time to just invest in living, now, not yesterday and not tomorrow.

What strikes me as particularly odd is that I think I needed this book at this time. Not that I usually spend my time dwelling in past or future tense. If you have read much of this blog, then you have probably gotten a blast or two on this note already. But I have let myself slip into this sort of glazed over and wistful contemplative place that doesn't really allow for forward momentum. Which sort of brings me to the point of this post today.

I believe we attract people, and even books, into our lives that help us learn what we most need to learn to grow. Not all of the lessons are pain-free. Life is not a thorn-free rose garden. Yet we do have all of these wonderful opportunities to learn and to grow around us each day. It is in being mindful and awake to these that we find we are most fulfilled. I guess I believe this because I believe that growing is a natural part of the cycle of life and that when we cease this activity we can sense that we are unhealthy. And when we are unhealthy it is very hard to feel happy and fulfilled.

So, where ever you go, there you are. And where ever you are, opportunity beckons. Just open your eyes. I guess we don't really need a book to tell us that.

Happy Rainy Day

Today I danced in the rain.

The day started out heavy with heat. The kind of morning that holds you heavy in its grip. You could almost see the thick fingers of moisture beading in the heat before you felt them trickle down your back. Yep, it was hot.

Making my way through the various tasks the day held, I kept a hand free to push the day's effects back and keep moving forward. Then I felt a swift change. An influx of cool air and a sudden down-pour began. From one moment of sheer heat and blinding light, to the next of pale gray and veils of warm rain. It was such a remarkable change, I had to stop and enjoy it. In fact, I really did end up dancing my way around the yard, the sheer joy of being lifted from the heat. The magic of nature's gift of the warm soothing rain.

I feel refreshed. From the inside out. I feel as if the rain has released not only the heat of the day, but also some of the pent up heat in me. And I feel fortunate to have been outside when the rains came today, to receieve this blessing. I feel as if I would give this gift to another if I could. To share the abundance because that is what feels right in this moment. Yet how can I bring a soft-summer rain to those over-heated or over-pained souls that did not feel its silken touch? How can I share with them the dance of its natural rhythms that releases so much internal friction?

All I could settle on was writing this down. Perhaps those that read this missive will be able to close their eyes and imagine the rain's blissful kiss. And they will picture themselves barefoot in the grass, kicking out a pattern and twirling to the rhythm of the wind. When they settle from the dance, licking the rain from their lips and letting the laughter slide softly to a stillness, perhaps they too will have the gift I was given today. A quiet little center to rest in, a little piece of peace within their day and in their soul.

Here's to the Rain,
Slainte...........

On Letting Go

Spent sometime today on the email train with a friend of mine. We were "chatting" about when it is time to let the people you love go in your life. Times similar to when parents send their kids away to school or help them move out of the house for the first time. It got me to thinking about what it takes to be able to do this genuinely and without fear. (Not that a parent doesn't worry. They are always likely to do that. Rather, that they do not fear what the future holds, a thin line of difference, but an important one.)

I think there are two very essential elements involved in setting the people you love free to follow their muses. First, real and abiding love. The kind of love that is transcendent. You must be able to love beyond yourself. You must love that person enough to want what is best for them - above and beyond your own desires and needs. Trust me when I tell you that this is not easy. Letting go of people you love can be extremely difficult, even when you believe with all that you are that it is best for them. It feels like you are dangling on a razor thin cord above an endless abyss with no ground in sight. The ground is there though and your ability to love provides you what you need to reel yourself in. It may not be fun, but you can do it.

Second, you must have complete trust in that person. You must trust that they know who they are. And you must trust that they will be fine on their own. Of course, there will likely be a part of you that wants them to need you, but strive to conquer this. You won't be able to let go until you believe that they do not need you. Here again, this will not be easy, you will really need them to need you. It is a part of loving that just creeps in and lingers. But letting go includes letting go of this essential part as well. Breathe deeply and just believe in this person with everything that you are. Then open your eyes. You will be fine and they will be even better than that.

If by now you have set them on their path you can enjoy watching them rise to the occasion. And they will. Everything that you have seen in them that makes you smile, all the moments that made you bubble with pride, they will come again and again, as you watch them bloom. It may not be with you, but they will bloom.

Of course, you should think about blooming yourself. If they love you in some measure, they are likely to look up at some point and will want to see you thriving as well. How you do this may seem unclear as you gaze through this haze of letting go. Yet I believe that the person who is strong enough to love this fully will be strong enough to find a way.

Of course, this could just be wishful thinking as I stand here gazing into the haze of my own life and seeing the next set of clouds form on the not so distant horizon.