Speeding Comfortably

Oh what a world we live in.  When the days go by so fast that we can't seem to remember where one ended and one began.  I can remember a time when moments seemed to last.  I guess that just isn't the way it works anymore.

I wonder sometimes if that is because of the way I have changed or if the world has changed around me.  I suspect it is a bit of both.  From my perch in the glass wasp nest (yes I expect them back as soon as the warm weather truly hits us again)- I see the traffic go by.  People rushing to the next place, some so fast that they swerve around other vehicles as if they are in a chase scene for a high action movie.  Maybe they just like driving that way?  I guess that is always possible.  

I have found that everything I do seems to be measured by how fast it gets done.  I spend very little time actually wallowing about.  I am as busy as a worker bee.  Even my relaxed time has a pressed pace- I read fairly quickly -  an average of  two to four books a week depending on their length, from 60 to 80 pages a day (more if the book is really good) - all fit in over morning coffee and the thirty minutes I set aside prior to lights out.

It sounds like I parse out my day with a regimented schedule.  I have to admit I do not even come close.  I think if I had a second middle name it would be chaos.  I pretty much live in a constant state of chaos. And as far as I can tell most of the people I know do too,  It may be a bit more controlled than mine - but it is still chaos.  No real set anything - perhaps they might know what day and time the basketball team they are on practices or has games.  But they do not know when their spouse, kid or job will cause a conflict with that schedule.

And the moments that we have.  You know, the onces that stand out?  Those that we want to capture and those that we never want to go near again - they seem to contract over time.  They get smaller and smaller until you can fit them in a tiny little box inside your memory.  Where they stay until you choose to pull them out and feel their warmth (at least I hope you are pulling out the ones you would like to live again and not the other kind). 

I guess sometimes there are people in your life that press your nose into those memories that you would prefer not to relive - but I tend to avoid the people who press me to live like that.  I don't think they have the right to press me to live in the ugly parts of the past.  If it is past, it is past.  I can't imagine why I would want to roll around in something that is painful a second, third or fourth time around.  Though I have to tell you I know a number of folk who spend most of their days doing just that.  Its like they can't put that box down - they have to keep rooting around through it - even though when they do so it makes them hiss with pain.   You would think they would figure it out and leave the memory box alone. After all the past is not going to change.  It is what it is.  It won't undo itself because we want it to be different.  Once we accept that something has happened we should be able to move along.

And now it seems that life is like an express train.  Everything is on full speed ahead.  It is like there is never anytime to slow down and take the hit or enjoy the moment.  Things happen at such a rapid pace that you have to grab a glimpse of what they mean and then off you go.

I wonder if this is the Pandora's Box of our Age?  This speed with which we transact our business; our lives; our relationships?  The fact that so much of how we share is now electronic?  How often do we end up connecting to people through text, email or social media?  The next generation has gotten to the point that they won't use the phone to speak - it is just a texting device.  So many of them will push off a call if they can reduce it to a text or an email (and even that will have text abbreviations in it).

I miss the slower days.  And yet - I am caught up in this speed enhanced world- I fear I cannot go slower now. I am addicted to checking each of my interactive media devices. So I guess I am as guilty as the next person in supporting this stream of ever increasing separation from the human to the electronic - from a rythym set at the pace of a heart beat to one set at the speed of rocket moving faster than the speed of light.  Though I may sometimes get wistful and long for the feeling of a slow day in the sun, I have to admit I know myseelf well enough at this stage in the game to state unequivocably that I wouldn't last 6 hours in that type of setting.  In fact, I might not even make it that long unless I was getting in a nap.

So for now I will accept that I am likely one of those drivers who moves from lane to lane in order to get where I am going faster and smile a bit for those who are taking their time.  I have a feeling we are both working on balance.  When they look in my window they probably are asking themselves if they shouldn't consider speeding up - just as I look at them and wonder about slowing down.

So here's to our rat race - may we all find the speed that is comfortable - and may we all take comfort in our speed.

Buenos Nachos

This has been a pretty fast year all told -

I have been to TX a couple of times, to PA, to IL, to FL, to GA, to TN and to Argentina...........I am definitely working the frequent flyer miles.  And somewhere in between I am working on finding the pieces of me that I have lost over the last few years.

I guess I started this blog in the hopes that I would be able to work my way around - and if not all the way around,  at least work out enough of the kinks that I could move on without gasping for air.
I have spent part of the time spinning in place, letting the gravity of the empty spots inside prevent me from moving - even sliding backward.  Then somehow I found the grace to start forward and along that path I have zigged and zagged, often fallen -( fallen quite far at times )- only to find myself trapped behind walls I have had no idea how to break through.  And at times, feeling as if the path that seemed to be "forward" was nothing more than a giant circle, a never ending pathway to my personal pit of despair.

Yet today, as I write, feeling fairly melancholy, the one thing that I know is true, is that I have definitely moved forward.  And I have started to collect the parts of me that I lost along the way, at least some of the parts of me that make me feel whole.  I kind of wish I had taken this journey years ago, when youth could have added to my capacity to rebound.  But I suspect I would not have appreciated the value of the lessons learned at that point.

There is it seems gold buried beneath that pile of rock and sludge (and possibly scat from various animals that do not bear thinking about). 

Or perhaps a better metaphor for me would be that under the jalapenos there could actually be a plate of really good nachos - It does however take getting over your distaste and your fear of the burn of those peppers. 

Not everything in life presents itself as a great idea when you see it.  Somethings have to be tried.  And not everything you try will be great idea.  There are somethings that you learn to make great by finding the balance that works for you.  In my case, with the nachos, I can get to Damn Good Nachos - but I have to start by leaving the jalapenos a the store - You see I can pick around the sides and dig way down under on a plate that has been tainted with jalapenos- but I cannot handle the flavor of a jalapeno infected nacho - Just not for me.  But I know that now - as I have tried it - full on pepper and post-pepper removal. 

I guess that is part of finding yourself.  We spend a great deal of our lives accomodatig others.  I think this is a good thing.  It really doesn't hurt to see a movie that is not really your thing if it means you get to be with the whole family for the evening - just not that big a give.  But, it is also not that hard to  make a plate with and one without the jalapenos if you are baking up your dishes for a group event.  And it doesn't hurt anyone for you to eat from the plate you prefer.   It just takes having the knowledge of what you like and the gumption to pursue it.

I know this sounds pretty trivial - but I think you can read beyond the cheese and peppers and get to the point I am trying to make.  You really can't move forward when you lose who you are (and it happens) - until you take the time to figure out who you have become - (not who you want to be) and then start living in that skin. It is not an easy process - and along the way you can expect to have your fair share of burnt pallettes - (jalapeno's are not the only pepper that can take you down that road).

So to all of us who are on that road -

Buenos Nachos...........