Participles and Portents

Beginnings:

The fine salt-spray lifts from the rocks to tangle my hair as I gaze at the sea, my lonely promonitory shared by only a few gulls and the weak shafts of light that are just now beginning to break as the sun rises higher to greet the day. I have traveled here on this sojourn to find the parts of me I have lost over the years. This place feels ripe for the task with its jagged landscape, home to many a wayfarer who found refuge from the sea on its rough-edged shore. As the sun begins to strengthen I breathe deeper and turn to make my way back down my little path to the small thatched cottage that will be my home for this summer. It is time for some tea and perhaps some brown bread, if my stomach has the courage to face it this morning.

What I find when I enter my refuge is a far cry from what I expect. My neatly shelved items are spread about: the bread is crumbled on the floor, tea shaken from its tin. My evening shawl has been dragged from the hearth chair and lies in the muck from the fire. Only my sleeping chamber seems undisturbed.

I can find nothing that tells me of who or what has caused this damage. I find it hard to believe that even the strong winds that blow here could have managed this. The bread seems to have been crushed. I sigh. “No big matter,” I mumble to myself. It was time for a trip into the village. I can clean this easily enough. And this I do. When things have been set to rights and I have washed up, I make sure to bar the door against the wind and what I assume are animal intruders. Then I set off to the village to refresh my stores.

The crisp wind and bright sun lighten my spirits as I make my way up the stony path into the village. I find myself laughing along with the children as they chase a ball that has gotten away from the pitch. I try reminding myself that here the game is not soccer, but it is useless. I still think of it in my native ways. I make my purchases sparingly, knowing I will want to come back soon. Mine is a solitary existence and the trips to the village give me time with people. I have come to know a few, not well, but enough to greet by name, and I am hoping this will grow to more over the months I will be here.

By the time I leave a mist has risen and I can tell that the rain will fall soon. The midday rain seems like a ritual here on the craggy shore. I pull my shawl over my head and start down the path, my head tilted downward to ward off the rain when it starts and to check the path for ruts. I am caught up in my thoughts, rummaging around in the attic of my past and do not even notice that I have gone down instead of climbing at the curve that should have taken me toward my little cottage. And this is how I find myself near the sharp crags and the roar of the sea as the rain begins. In fact, it is the howl of the sea as it rages and throws itself against the rock that breaks my trance.

I stand there transfixed by the sheer power of its rage as the rain soaks me through to the bone. Finally I realize that I should find some shelter. Through the haze of the sea mist and the pouring rain I glimpse the possibility of relief, an outcropping of rock that appears to have just enough of a cleft to hide me and my basket from the worst of nature’s fury. I pick my way carefully, grateful that I am not weighed down by old-fashioned skirts and that my boots are thick-soled and meant for climbing. I do note, glumly, that I miss my gloves. I guess I am not as practical as I had thought. Eventually, I make it to my little piece of shelter and am relieved to find it is dry. In fact, it provides just enough space for me to slide down with my back against the rock and sit, knees against my chest, and peer out at the raging rain and sea. I wish I had my notebook to try and capture this place and its look and feel on the page. It is with this thought that I let myself drift off to sleep, lulled by the constant rhythm of nature’s protest.

Be Happy Love, Be Happy

Have you ever struggled with that old cliche, the one that starts with "If you love something (someone) set it free?"   If you have,or if you are, then I suppose this post is for you as much as it is for me.

Loving enough to let go is a very hard thing to do.  To smile and walk away is a very, very, hard thing to do.  Yet, it is the right thing to do for those you love when they need to leave.  And, unfortunately, in this life those times do come.  Whether it is in the relationship of parent to child, lover to lover, or friend to friend, those times do arise.  And when they do the art of letting go is by far one of the greatest challenges of a loving heart.

This letting go, when what you want most is to pull that person closer to you is so very difficult.  Made more difficult still because in loving them you understand that they need to feel that you are okay with the change.  That wherever they go, whatever it is they need to do or become that requires the leaving, you will be fine.  This is the essential art in letting go.  Letting go without letting those you love see you struggle.

I am not suggesting that you tell them not to let the door hit them in the proverbial *#$ on the way out.  Of course they will know you love them as they leave.  But even in knowing this, they will believe that you are or will be - essentially whole.  And there in lies the conumdrum.  Because you are not whole, as they take such a very big part of you with them when they go.  I suppose this is eased if you know there will be a time when you will see them again, even if that time is months away.  Yet, there is so much that is missed in the intervening time.  So much life being lived and not shared.  This part is the ache and the rub.  And of course, if you know that the leaving is more on the level of permanancy - well then that definitely takes on more dimension.

I struggle now having just let someone go who means so much to me.  I know I will see them again very soon.  Yet in that small stretch of time so much will happen.  There will be momentous and even small interactions that will shape and change my loved one's character.  It is inevitable, as that is what life does, it shapes and molds us with the confluence of people and events, like river water carving rock.  And when next we meet, we will both be different people, perhaps in very small ways, or perhaps in quite profound ways.  I mourn the loss of time, yet celebrate the opportunities for growth that they will have.

If there were an easier path, I would surely take it.  I think most of us would.  But loving takes a stout heart and a brave countenance.  So I smile and wave, "Be safe, have fun, live well and love well."  And then I walk away, with each step repeating my mantra, "Be happy love, be happy." 

On Magic...........

Twas the eve before Thanksgiving - and though I don't expect any faery magic to occur - I am not discounting the possibility (of magic at least).  Seems now is the time to find what it is that makes the world magic and to be Thankful for it.

Magic comes in many ways into our lives.  Very often I think we miss it.  Sometimes when we are still enough we catch it, that quicksilver thrill of it running through our veins and we know its blessing.  But most of the time we take it for granted, and that is perhaps why so many people do not believe in magic at all.  I for one do believe. 

While not a fan of snow removal, I can assert a certain wonder in the magic of those beautiful white flakes and the way they transform the world around us as they fall.  The magic of a child's sweet grin as they stare out the window in anticipation of their first snowman of the season.  And of course the magic of that first cup of hot chocolate brimming with marhsmallows as we stumble through the door covered in snow.

Then there are the more common magic moments, the sudden burst of color when you crest a hill and the sunset catches you,  or when the streaks of light form through the clouds like beacons to the sky. And the magic of the perfect timbre of voice on the other end of the phone line, or better yet just across the table over morning tea. 

And what of the magic of the ties that bind?  Your Mom's perfectly timed call  - just to see how you are doing - when how you are doing is just at a low enough ebb that what you needed was that check in?  Your closest friend calling or emailing from across the universe with a bounce and a smile?  Like a southern Leprechaun(ess)? making your day - and bringing the lilt and the magic that goes with her presence in your life.

Or the magic of having friends that are so perfectly in tune with you that being who you are requires no etiquette editing - it just flows.  Aye, there's magic in the world.  Whether its as simple as knowing who is calling before your pick up the phone or as direct as the freshness of the gifts from nature and those you love - its all magic.

Happy Thanksgiving - may we all have reasons to give Thanks - and all find a bit of Magic in our day and our days..............

Poetic Bits and Pieces

A little poetry for the weekend........  Something for the upcoming Holiday -


Urban Thanksgiving

breathing is taken for granted
like touch and smell
Often it is the scent that is missed
A step no longer heard
Missing
a hard wheeze would be a gift
one last movement
a sensory wonderland left forgotten
until the moment it slipped beneath the wave
Drowned
chipped and gapped pottery is more useful in times of thirst
famine lies often at the laden table
fingers fail to prick on metal tines
Silent

And on a more upbeat note....
Alliteration for the SoulSunlight reflects the shadows on the wall
Spinning fragments of used color
Soft frayed edges
Splayed warm fingers
Supporting the bend
Supple
Spine
Tingling on tip-toe
Twirling in the rising heat
Twilight elongates pulsing health
Titillating whispers spark the night
Tasting
Touched
Tuned

Here's to staying tuned, and to a Holiday that leans toward feasting not only on great food, but also great company.......

E.L.P. - Closer To Believing

Closer to Believing - ELP

For those who have never listened to "Closer to Believing" I thought I would share the lyrics -

Truly a song worth listening to if you get a chance........

Closer to Believing

I am closer to believing
Than I ever was before
On the crest of this elation
Must I crash upon the shore
And with the driftwood of acquaintance
Light the fire to love once more
I am wind blown...I am times.

To be closer to believing
To be just a breath away
On the death of inspiration
I would buy back yesterday
But there's no crueller illusion
There's no sharper coin to pay
As I reach out... It slips away

From the opium of custom
to the ledges of extremes
Don't believe it till you've held it
Life is seldom what it seems
But lay your heart upon the table
And in the shuffling of dreams
Remember who on earth you are

I need me
You need you
We want us

But of course you know I love you
Or what else am I here for
Only you not face to face
But side by side for evermore
And I need to be here with you
For without you what am I
Just another fool out searching
For some heaven in the sky
Take me closer to believing
Take me forward lead me on
Through collision and confusion
While there's life beneath the sun
You are the reason I continue
So near for so long
So close yet so far away

I need me
You need you
We want us to live forever
Don't let the curtain fall
Measure after measure
Of writing on the wall
That burns so brightly
It blinds us all

I need me
You need you
We want us to be together
On Sundays in the rain
Closer than forever
Against or with the grain
To ride the storms of love again

So be closer to believing
Though your world is torn apart
For a moment changes all things
And to end is but to start
And if your journey's unrewarded
May your God lift up your heart
You are windblown
But you are mine

Spilled Milk? I Think Not...

I believe there are times when we simply choose to regret too much. Awhile ago, when I was facing a significant illness in my immediate family, one of my mentors told me to "live with no regrets." At that moment the advice seemed crystal clear. And in fact, it made making decisions during that time much easier. I did not hesitate to do what I thought would bring me closer to living a life with no regrets, particularly when it came to this person I loved so much, who was in fact so ill.

Why is it so much easier to live life with this focus when we have an immediate concern on our minds? And why is it so much harder to do this when everything is running at a steady and methodical pace? I like to believe that I am practical or pragmatic enough to know that there will always be decisions that we question later. Did we say the right thing in any particular moment? Did we make the best choice? Did we turn down the path that would lead us to the greatest harmony? Have we helped as much as we could, or as often? Yet in each of these there lies a simple inherent flaw - the concept of regret. If we make our choices out of our center; if we are conscious of what we believe are the potential consequences; moreover, if we are conscious of what we do not know and accept that we cannot predict all of the outcomes, but are willing to accept the outcome we are indeed choosing - why then would we second guess the decisions we make? Why is there room for regret?

Is it that we often make our decisions with out such deliberation? Are we just moving through patterns of behaviour, without considering breaking our personal molds? Is this what gives us pause? Have we become so pre-conditioned to our concept of ourselves and how we expect we will react that our actions are predetermined? And is it this that gives us cause for regret?

Or is it the occasional bout of spontaneity that makes us uncomfortable, and is it here that we question ourselves? When we act freely, moving directly from the center of who we are and simply express that inner person - is it then that we step back and question and indeed possibly regret having shown the world too much about ourselves?

Of course there are times where regret stems simply from the unintended consequences of an action. (Where those consequences impair others in truly negative ways, or in a less selfless environment where they impact the self negatively.) I suppose those moments will always yield regret. But should they? Would it not be better if they yielded a charge to action? A need not to regret, but to change; to change to the extent possible that negative result. And where this is not possible, to learn from that moment and to grow internally so that avoiding such unintended consequences in the future is ingrained in your decision making in the future? What is there truly to regret in having learned to be a better person?

There really is something in old cliches. And the one about spilled milk, well, it does say alot. The best we can do is clean up after ourselves, and learn from that moment and hopefully avoid the waste, and any breaking of the pitcher in the future.

So, back to point. To live a life without regret - that is not an easy task. It requires a great deal of conscious living, a strong dose of humility and the recognition that failing is not truly the measuring rod. It is in the art of getting up that we find our measure of grace.

Here's to living with our eyes, our hearts and our spirits wide open.

May the road rise up to greet you
and the wind be always at your back.

Measure after Measure........

"Take me closer to believing than I've ever come before. For a moment changes all things..." Hmmm... there are just some songs that never really get out of your head (thank you Emerson Lake and Palmer for this one).

This last year (or so) has been such a wild ride. I had been closer to believing than I ever was before, yet a moment did change everything. Actually just six simple words repeated on two separate days. Yet they completely changed my understanding of the life I had been living for the last two years. How easy it is to skew the world to a view that is so completely distanced from reality. How easier it is still for others to let you ride along there. Not because there is any malice in doing so, just because it is easier to let it ride.

Yet here I am wondering if that song has reason to echo in my head. And what are the consequences? How blind does it make us when we allow ourselves to believe? Conversely, how empty are we if we simply refuse not to?

And since a moment changes all things. and to end is but to start - then what have any of us to loose? I thought perhaps I needed to think this out again - now I see, it is better not to be thinking at all.

I am closer to believing - and I think its time to start...What is that other line?.... Ah yes,

"Measure after measure...Like writing on the Wall"

It really is a great song.........

On Transcedence

I am reading a book that speaks to the existential isolation of man within his universe. The author attempts to explain how man interacts with language and signs within his world and with other people in an attempt to transcend his essential separateness.

It is interesting to note that in this view of the world, only man is seen as having this concern with his essential "selfness". Animals are portrayed as not discerning this break from nature and from each other.

As we move from our infant stage, gradually becoming capable of responding to the world around us with language and signals so that we are able to communicate, we by default isolate ourselves. This isolation results from our inability to directly transfer our thought or vision to others. We are limited by the language we have available to us. In this we often fall into the trap of trying to assure ourselves that we are being "seen" as we see ourselves, or more often as we would wish to be seen. Thus creating a constant cycle of discomfort as we are never truly able to discern if this is happening or not.

This is further complicated by the evolving social depiction of what is best, or how to be best. Hence the love of the material, the desire to perfect our physical to fit stereotypes of beauty. This can create the corruption of the vision of the self based on our desires to be accepted and perhaps even loved within these contexts.

The art then of transcendance is captured less in our religious and spiritual consensus, as one would expect, but in our ability to cope with these internal demands (shaped in part by our understanding of external expectations.) In seeking transcendance we can be driven in many directions. There are those who seek to stand above the crowd by exceeding in each category of the externally defined perfection of modern life. Hence these people are beautiful, successful, and kind (at least from the public view). These are often the people who are the least kind to themselves and the most likely to be hyper-competitive with those around them. There is of course, the other extreme, those who reject these definitions and strive to reach the polar opposite. They find satisfaction in shocking the mass-senses. Whatever might be the most objectionable is where they choose to act. Be this their state of dress or hygiene to their choice to reject all aspects or the material. Often these individuals find themselves moving in the opposite direction as they mature. Perhaps these two sterotypes are most commonly balanced by those who seek transcendance through either dominance in knowledge or through the arts. These are also forms of the extreme. When knowledge is used as the key, it allows the individual to know all - at some cost to their relationship with others - as they then must know what others think and feel and from where they are driven better than the individual themselves. This blocks their ability to ever truly know anyone as their eyes and ears are forever closed to another's point of view. This point of view being predetemined by their certain knowledge in advance. For the artist in transcendant posture, they often miss the world they live in, by transcribing that which has already occurred or focusing on that which is yet to come. They are too trapped in the habit of painting the past, or in trying to show the world a picture of the future, to truly live in the moment.

How then does the average human escape these traps and reach transcendance? How do we learn to overcome our separateness and find our bond with each other and with our world? This seems at the surface to either be a question that has no answer or to be truly pendantic in nature.

After completing the text regarding the cosmic approach to transcendance, my reaction is less vaguely defined. I think perhaps transcendance occurs only when we open ourselves to the moment we are living in. When we deliberately choose not to edit the moment or ourselves as we live it.

This is not an easy task, it requires us to somehow trust as a child would that the moment and those within it will not judge us. It also requires us to neither judge ourselves nor the participants of the moment. We are by the nature of our society, trained to make these judgements. If we can suspend judgement long enough to live truly in the moment, we can transcend our otherness and truly "BE" a part of our world.

What we do with this experience is ours alone, individually, to absorb and apply. It can help us to truly be comfortable in our skin; to become closer to those around us; to find joy in the act of daily living - or perhaps it will provide a small oasis of calm and nothing more. However, this art of transcendance leads, it seems to me, to the type of nirvana that is so often described within the Eastern religious tomes. I know that meditation is prescribed as a means of getting there. But this is really just the portal for opening oneself to the moment. It is not the end game in and of itself.

The idea of meditation is to free yourself from your self-limiting boundaries such that you are capable of interacting with the world without the limiting filters so easily applied by our judgemental selves.

I think perhaps this art of transcendance relies first and foremost on the ability to accept oneself as a complete being. To stop looking toward a point where you will become enough or reach happiness; to not have a destination in mind - no "tipping point" that will enable the self to embrace its totality with love and acceptance. To transcend one must find a way to accept the human condition of the self in this moment and each moment going forward. You are a whole and complete human being, worthy of every breath and complete, beautiful and substantial in your own right. This in turn leads to respect for others around you, in their natural state. They too are transcendant and whole. In this paradigm all belong within the circle of understanding.

Though we will remain limited by language, we can transcend through acceptance and celebration of the self.

The otter is a wonderful creature, they live in bounty, with true zest for life. Even as they forage for food, they can be seen to flow with the cosmos and to enjoy every moment. Perhaps that is the art of transcendance. To realize that at the core, we are all "otters of the universe" and to begin to celebrate this innate capacity for joy in each and everyone of us.

Live, love, laugh ...........and dance as often as you can, even if everyone is watching.

Go Follow the Sun

Here I am looking at the night sky and it is only a bit after 4 pm. Where-ever did the summer go? Seems like only a moment ago that the sun streamed through the window well past the dinner hour. Now we move into the time of year that I struggle the most with, when I wake in the dark and go home in the dark.

Isn't it odd that we find such comfort in the dark when we curl up to sleep, yet are so discomfited by its embrace when awake? I suppose the challenge now is to find a way to capture the sun in my days and carry it with me, whether I can physically see it or not.

This morning I spoke with my Mom. She is on an incredible journey through the South with a great friend. JoAnn has the most infectious laugh. Just hearing the southern trill that rings through her laughter sets a person at ease. So imagine two light-hearted souls traveling the back woods to visit the old haunts of famous writers like Faulkner and Harper Lee. They managed to line these up in a great circular loop that took them from home and back again, through all the strangest places (and all the most noted antiquarian bookstores), without missing an author along the way. I found, in listening to the story of their journey as I made my way through the night sky that was somehow morning in my neck of the woods, that the sun came through in all its golden shades. And perhaps that is how people can carry that magic with them.

The sun may fade from the sky during winter, but it stays with the people we love. When we take the time to connect, to hear their stories and experience their laughter it seems that those wonderful rays just shine. I am ever so thankful to have a Mom that lives life with such a bold paintbrush. And if I think about it, I know there are a few other people in my life that are capable of helping me find the sun in these darker days of the year.

My wish for everyone is that they have the same connections in their lives and the vision to reach out when they need that warmth to boost their days.

Happy Winter............and Thanks Mom, I love you very much, for all that you are and all the joy that you bring to me and the rest of the world at large.

Thankful in Cow Country

What a great and gracious day. I am filled with the absolute wonder of the bounty of life. How can we ever be less than grateful for every moment we get another breath?

I have this overwhelming urge to say "THANK YOU" - just that - and to no one in particular, just the world at large. And no, I am not over-caffeinated or running on valium, I am quite literally just high on life.

And I must admit that this day has not been a complete breeze. I have already made my way through a "fire" that just had to be put out at work. But overall, this day is a gift, and I can see how everyday is truly that.

Of course, I did spend last night talking to one of the most gifted writers I know. What a fabulous way to spend an evening, with the english language being woven into incredible tapestry, so vivid you feel you could touch it. Then today, I spent a portion of the lunch hour riding around the back avenues on a friend's Harley. Sharing the unadulterated thrill of being on the bike and moving through the fall colors (what is left of them. And enjoying what may be the last really great day in terms of weather to fit a ride in before winter sets its teeth into the air. For those of you that ride, I know you will understand just how great that really is. And for those of you who don't, well try imagining a brief break to do whatever you most enjoy out of doors, at a time when you least expect it and most need it.

If I close my eyes I can hear the vibrato of the writer's voice as he recreates the autumnal ride, setting the afternoon on paper and letting the ride continue for everyone - everywhere. Perhaps I will ask him to do that for me and then I can share it with all of you. We'll see.

In a few short days my youngest son will be home after too many months of absence. Conor has been baking up a storm, so the house smells wonderfully of raspberries and pastry. Not good for the figure, but fabulous for the soul. So you see, I am so very humbly grateful for this day and ever so looking forward to the more that are yet to come.

Thankful in Cow Country..............

On Change - and Wind - and Faith

Sometimes you just have to trust the wind. Let it take you where it will. Let it lift you and carry you along though the path is unclear and the ride may occasionally seem to be going way too fast or perhaps spinning a bit out of control. It takes trust and a huge leap of faith, but I think I have discovered that the winds of change are indeed quite friendly.

The ride may not always be easy, but the destination, well that my friend, that is a place well worth getting to. Change it seems is rarely the easiest path, though when we choose to walk into it on our own it comes more naturally. Yet the fear of change, no matter the choice be ours or not, clings to us all in some way (big or small) and it is this that holds us back too often.

Finding the source inside that enables you to take the leap, to join your spirit to that of the winds of change and ride its current that takes an elemental shift in your perspective. But, I think you will find the leap and the ride more than worthwhile.

Yes, I highly recommend following your instinct, for that indeed is where the wind is leading you. It leads you forward to a clearer, calmer and more wonderful center. A place that doesn't seem to scratch quite to much or press so hard on your temples. In fact, it is just the change you probably need, - if indeed the wind is beckoning you.............follow.