Finding Grace
They were all chilled and wet from their time in the sea. Ian and Sean were soaked through from their thorough drenching. Sean was still gagging from the amount of water he had choked down when he fell backward into the water. Fiona pounded him on the back in an effort to make sure he had expelled all of it as the group huddled together.
"We have to make it back to the village. I know it is mostly deserted, but perhaps there is at least one shop serving the few tourists who come," said Lin.
"Well, we definitely have to at least find someplace out of the wind," said Ian, his teeth starting to chatter, "I am freezing."
"I should say it serves you right for going into the water," grumbled Fiona, "But I love you too much to want to see your lips turning blue."
Sean uncharacteristically said nothing. He moved closer to Lin and pressed up under her arm, like a bird seeking the comfort of being under its mother's wing. She pulled him in close, shuddering at the touch of the cold wet form. "Yes, we had better find shelter and hopefully something hot to drink to go along with it," said Lin. Ian took the cue from Sean and moved over to hug his Nana, everyone grateful to be sharing warmth.
They trudged along in silence 'til they reached the rocks. Here they separated reluctantly as the wind bit in where the protective bodies had been. They made their climb as quickly as possible, the added weight of the wet clothes and their numbing effect seeming to make the effort much more difficult. Of course the going up part always seemed harder than climbing down anyway. In time they made it back to the rock where it seemed so long ago Lin had sought solace in the old Irish tale and the pounding pattern of the waves.
They traded partners, with Sean cuddled up to Fiona and Ian and Lin arm and arm for the trek back into the abandoned village. Lin did not have high hopes that there would be anything there. When they had come through at first light, the place had seemed completely abandoned. Yet people did come here, so there was some commercial advantage to be had, even if it was slim. Perhaps there was someone desperate enough to try to eke out a living by selling refreshments and souvenirs to the tourists who did come. She checked her watch; they had well over an hour before the boat would be back. It would be a very cold wait indeed if there was nowhere to go. They made their way through the village. As she expected, there was nothing. Ian suggested that they walk down to the pier as it might be possible that the gatehouse would have something. They gave a mutually long sigh and plowed on toward the pier.
Here they were in luck. The gatehouse was open, and though it was not much, there was a small area open to the public. The shopkeeper gave them menus and, noticing their wet apparel, offered them towels and a seat close to the fire in the public room. Lin gave her towel to Sean and went to stand by the fire. She could just as easily dry that way. Her youngest looked like he needed a complete change of clothes and a blanket; so did Ian for that matter. Fiona, wet well past the waist, was busy patting herself down. She would have loved to have surrendered her towel to the boys as well, but her teeth were on edge from the cold. Cold was just not something her bones could abide. Having mopped up as much as she could, she draped the towel over a rack near the hearth and went out into the store. Several minutes later she returned with three sweatshirts, one for each boy and one for herself. They could not do much about how wet they were from the waist down, but they could work on the rest. She handed the boys their shirts and went to find a place to change. When they sat down to the table, Lin was surprised to find her family dressed in identical shirts, all proudly announcing that "I Survived the Seas of Inishkea." The look on her face must have truly said it all as the entire family started laughing loud enough to bring the shopkeeper into the public room to check on what was happening.
"It would be hard to explain," gasped Lin. "I do think we would all like something hot to drink. Tea for three and a hot chocolate for the ruffian in the corner."
After the drinks had been delivered the table sobered up quite a bit.
"I just need to know why you would do exactly what I told you not to do," said Lin, looking at her boys each in turn.
Sean was the first to speak. "It is hard to say in words, Ma. It's like the sea was so sad. I don't know how to say it but I just knew it was so incredibly lonely and sad. I had this feeling that all it really wanted was to hold someone."
Lin raised her eyebrow and stared pointedly at her son.
"Not in a weird or mean way, not like that at all. I think the sea just wanted to rock someone in its arms. I guess I am not explaining it very well. I just did not feel scared at all. I just felt right," he ended lamely.
Ian jumped in behind his brother. "It wasn't really all like that, Mom. It was more like the sea offering a gift. We could hear it calling. I know we could. And I know that sounds crazy. But there are all sorts of poems that talk about the song of the sea and stuff like that. Sean and I heard that today down there. We heard the song of the sea. And the sea called to us, it did."
"So what did it promise you?" asked Fiona
Ian looked down at his feet and Sean glanced over at the fire. It was pretty clear neither of them wanted to answer that question. Still not making eye contact, Ian replied, "It just promised us that it would fill all the gaps, you know, something like that." His voice fell so low that if they had not been straining to make out the words it would not have been possible to determine what he had said. Sean looked directly at Ian and nodded his head in affirmation.
Lin looked down at her watch, more to have something to do than for any other reason at that point. Realizing that it was actually time to catch the boat back, she rose. "Well, we can talk more about this later, but for now we had best pay up and find our way back to the ferry." Fiona and the boys hugged the fire while Lin paid the bill and thanked their host, Then they made their way down the pier and presented their return tickets. On board they all took seats inside for the return journey, the boys managing to sit just far enough away for conversation to be difficult. Fiona, for her part, was silent as well. It was a quiet ride back, and not the kind of quiet that envelopes a person peacefully. It felt to Lin like a riot was happening in that small little space, one that would have to be dealt with before the evening was over. She actually dreaded making landfall and suspected the other occupants did too.
Once back, they made their way to the car. Fiona announced that she thought it might be a good idea to make the return drive in the morning and that perhaps they should see if the lodgings might still have room for one more night. Lin agreed and drove toward the bed and breakfast, wistfully thinking of a bowl of oats and a new start to the whole day. She parked and went in to inquire. The lady of the house said they could have the rooms, but they needed to be made up and gave Lin directions to a nice quiet restaurant where they could get a decent meal. Lin explained about the need to change, and they were given leave to use the bath near the kitchen. They each took a turn in the bath, washing up as best they could and putting on dry garments. Fiona opted to change her shirt, so in the end, it was only the two boys whose chests announced "I Survived the Seas of Inishkea" when they went out to eat.
The restaurant was actually more of a small pub though more brightly lit than the one in Doolin had been. They ended up seated at the bar as those were the only seats available when they arrived. An old man near Sean took an instant interest in his shirt and moved over a few stools to sit next to the family.
"Interestin' shirt ye have on," he started.
"And I actually did," replied Sean.
"Did what?"
"My brother and I actually did survive the seas of Inishkea. We almost got pulled right out into them today."
"Did ye" now? Well, they say the Old King, he calls and there are those who can hear him and when they do, they canna' resist the call."
"Really?" asked Sean.
"Well, ye have to know the whole story. What with his own wife practically murderin' his children, Lir lost himself there in the sea trying to get them back. And she, the witch, for every tear he shed, she aged a day until when he finally disappeared, so did she. There are those that say she is lost in the world in-between and always will be just as he is. Others say she crumbled into dust on the day those poor darlin' children did when they finally found human form at the hands of the monk who changed them back long after their poor father fell with the tides. Guess it depends on which tale you prefer really," winked the old man.
"I think that Lir is still in the sea," whispered Sean.
"Ye do?" asked the man
"Yeah," said Sean. He was about to talk further when his Mom caught his attention. They had won a table and were moving. He turned to say goodbye to the old man, but he had already moved back to his prior station at the bar.
Dinner was satisfying, if simple. For the most part they either had Irish stew or the seafood chowder accompanied by the usual staple, brown bread. Lin was tempted to have a couple of shots of Tullamore Dew with her Guinness after the day they had won through, but she kept to just two pints. The night would be long enough without getting a "swerve" on. Their stomachs full and the ache of the cold day erased at least from their bodies, they made their way back to the bed and breakfast. The lady of the house had laid out a fire for them in the main room and Ian flared it to life. Fiona excused herself, noting that she had indeed had more exercise in that one day than she had indulged in for the whole trip and her body was demanding to be horizontal. Lin suspected her mother was just giving her time to sort through the day with the boys on her own, and she certainly hoped that was more of the truth than that Fiona was actually feeling the day's exertions.
Lin made up three cups of hot chocolate and brought them over to the fire. They sat for awhile and just enjoyed the rich scent of the peat and the colors that danced in the flames. Sean sat on the end of the sofa curled in - with her and yet pulled away at the same time. Ian sat in the chair just to the side of the sofa, his arms resting on his knees, his head only a few inches from her own.
Still looking at the fire he began to speak. "You know, Ma, these last few years have been hard on everyone. I know that you try hard not to show it, but Sean and I, we know it hasn't been easy for you. Your life has changed as much or more than ours. Sometimes it really pisses me off that you never let us help you, that you always keep it all to yourself. I watch the way you just keep plugging away and every time something new kicks you, you just add something more to do. It is almost as if you think if you just do something more - for me, for Sean, for your job, just something - that all the crap will go away or it won't catch up with you."
Ian paused, still staring at the fire and took a long drink of the now cooled chocolate. Sean shifted in his seat and moved so that he was sitting in a parallel position to his brother on the sofa, his head cocked so he could see Lin's expression.
Ian continued, "I think it is great that you finally took this time to do something for yourself, but I also think it sucks that it had to be so far away from home. I guess I am just tired of having the people I love need to leave me to 'sort it all out.' What I want to know is, am I what needs sorting? Am I a part of what keeps you from just turning around at home and looking at it all there and deciding what to fix?" He turned then and looked at her, his blue eyes wide open and clearly seeking an answer.
Lin was stunned. She had never thought her boys would ever doubt anything from her. She thought they knew they were the center of her world, the core and the rock that made every breath possible. She looked from him to Sean. Sean seemed to be asking the same thing.
"Yes, my life has changed a great deal. I know you know about most of the changes. I understand that you have probably not absorbed the reasons behind some of them and may not choose to do that for awhile. I think you have that right. Every child should love both of their parents. I will not ask you to choose between your father and me, and that is part of the reason why I could not ask you to help me shoulder my burden. The other part is that I simply don't believe that children should carry their parents' burdens. I think that parents are here to help their kids. Maybe, when I am older and feeble, maybe then you can shoulder my burden. But I hope by then it won't be anything nearly as complicated as life has been lately. I am so sorry that you took my coming here as leaving you to sort it all out. I wasn't leaving you or your brother. I was trying to get away from the job and the day-to-day routine. You each have your schools now. I really didn't think this time would matter as much anymore. If you don't know it already, you should be very clear on this: I stay sane because I have the two of you to stay sane for. You give me a reason to breathe and joy in taking those breaths. Do you get it?"
Sean nodded his head. "But why is Dad really gone?"
Ian looked daggers at him. Lin turned. "I think that your father should explain the details to you, sweetheart. I believe that he will be around again someday to do just that. But for now, what I can tell you is that he did some things that were not acceptable by law and to a lot of people. He decided to go away for awhile. When he is ready to face everyone and all that he did, I am sure he will be back."
"So, why doesn't he at least send a card or anything?"
"I guess I don't really have all the answers," said Lin. "But I believe he will find a way to contact you and Ian sometime. Parents don't stop loving their children even if there are times when they can't or don't talk to them. Love is not something that gets turned on and off like a spigot."
Sean looked at her thoughtfully. "I love you, Ma, to the moon and beyond," he smiled. It was an old phrase they used in letters and cards
"I love you to infinity and back," she replied, completing the code.
"You guys are mushy and gross, but I love you both anyway," said Ian. Then he added, "I'll love you forever."
Lin laughed, "Unless you want to start quoting all the old books and stuff from your childhood, we should clean up and head off to bed."
They took the cups into the kitchen and washed them together. Ian banked the fire and they went upstairs together. At the door to the boys' room they had a group hug. The boys slipped into their room and closed the door.
Lin leaned against it, and with tears streaming down her cheeks, she said a prayer of thanks that they were hers, that they were safe and that they did know how much they were truly loved. "It is love that guides us home everytime," she thought. "Home is not really a place, it is the people we love and are loved by." Moving down the hall, she stopped to look out at the moon and whispered, "Thank you for the grace you have given me."
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