Transitions

Went to the movies with my boys the other day.  As we sat through the previews we watched as a book we had all read about 4 years ago unfolded on the screen.  Amazingly enough we all recognized it almost from the first scene of the trailer.  The Life of PI.    We have agreed to make the time to go see this together.

If you haven't read this book, I think you can tell that my family as whole would definitely recommend it.  It is very intricately woven and full of humor.  Yet you cannot escape the underlying philosophical core.  Which is probably what makes the book so worth reading.  I am not going to try to explain its essence to you.  I want you to read it.  Just know that it will lift you in ways you are not even aware of, until you find you need something that you learned from its passages.  Perhaps even years later.

In that regard, I find myself confronting a time in my life and that of my children's that is replete with transitions.  My youngest is moving from his teenage angst to that phase where he is almost a "man".  My oldest is starting to let go of the "almost" and take on the charge of being a "man" with no hesitation.  I am not only learning to fend for myself, but also considering pretty significant life changes.

I have also gone through some personal transitions that have been, well, not so pleasant.  I have learned from them - but I have not enjoyed my lessons.  I momentarily regained a sister.  That is until she realized she was talking to her sister.  Then, as the wind blows, so did the course of that momentary and imaginary rekindling on a relationship I have not really had since I was in 3rd grade.  Guess there are some things that just never re-bloom, no matter the wishing.  I have also lost a dear friend.  I am not sure if it was due to my work schedule or due to internal struggles on her part or both.  But whatever the case, there is only silence where there was once a great deal of chatter, value and warmth.  I miss her.  I have tried to bridge the gap, but there is a wall there I cannot climb (short of quitting my job - which is something I just morally, ethically and economically cannot do - I am a single Mom - I sort of have to work).

So what have I found through all of this?  Some how I am caught between yearning for more change and wishing for none.  Trapped betwixt and between the aspects of myself.  Components of my past and present that I wish to retain and components that the shredder would not get rid of thoroughly enough.  Funny that they are separated in ways I would never have anticipated now that I am really sorting through them.

Still what I find is the hardest part is coming to terms with the idea of transitioning.  Change is so much easier when it just crashes down on you and you have to deal with it.  Walking bravely toward it - well that is another matter.  No wonder senior's in college get rather crazed and peri-menopausal women are perhaps more whacked out then those in menopause straight up.  It is just easier to deal with things head-on - then the slow slide into them. 

I think I have finally figured out why no one in my house wants to decide what to have for dinner.  Once the choice is made, well - then you are stuck with having made it.  If it gets made for you, then you can hardly be called to task for making a bad choice.  So if the take-out is just horrible - You may have to eat it.  But you don't have to own the decision.  So it goes with the slow moving transition.  Too many decisions. too many opportunities to get hung up, make a turn that could perhaps lead if not to a bad place, then to one that is less satisfying than an alternate choice.

It is hard to keep in mind that you will likely never know if the alternate choice would have been better.  You won't be living that timeline.  So second guessing yourself is hardly worth the time.  Is it?

And yet.......................